Yesterday was okay, I made it through the day without a single tear shed. I still felt really anxious for the majority of the day and I was so exhausted sitting through all my classes. I had to take a 2 hour nap in between the two lectures, which I normally wouldn’t have done. I still sometimes have moments where I feel like I just want to yell at something or someone. It’s hard to not get irritated. I feel happy for the people who have helped me through the past few weeks, especially to my sister and roommate. It’s nice to have support so close to home, I couldn’t imagine going through with this if I was to live on my own.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off me in some ways though to have opened up and seek help with my depression. I feel more at ease and that my thoughts and actions are becoming more rational. Things just seem a lot more clear to me now. It’s kind of settling in me how the past couple months have gone, how I was in such denial that I was “depressed” and needed help. The past few months where sometimes I would lay awake an cry myself to sleep because I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like my usual self. How I kept telling other people I was fine and that it was just a phase. Even the past couple months where I had multiple breakdowns on campus, whether it would be during my complete meltdown during my “office hour”, to crying in the University Community Centre Cafeteria while talking with a friend, crying in my room alone at random periods of the day because I couldn’t focus, or to even wailing away on my roommates bed because I was “stood up” because the person I was to meet felt terrified of me thinking I was capable of somehow harming them. I refused to believe I needed to reach out and get help because I felt scared and ashamed to admit something was terribly wrong with me. I felt like a failure, my brain was shutting down on me.
Even though someone I really cared for harshly insisted I needed to “see a professional” since I was “crazy” and “delusional”, I refused to accept something was wrong. I wasn’t acting like myself, it was strange to have them point that out, that “I wasn’t like that two months ago”. They were right, that was my wake up call in someways that it was time I needed to reach out for help. The ship was sinking and I needed a rescue boat to save me and bring me to a new ship. It has really hit me these past couple days that getting help really starts from within yourself. People around you can say whatever they want, but YOU have to be the one to want to get better and admit that you don’t feel whole. The courage to seek support and help has to come from within yourself first.
I’m still not sure if i’ll have the energy or motivation to write the one exam I haven’t deferred. I’m thinking it may be best to defer it into the new year at this point and just take some time for myself to rest.
I woke up a little less tired today. I had my first therapy session today with my psychologist today. It took a lot of strength to get through the session and explaining the suffering that I was feeling. After she scored my results, I received a 51 out of 99 on the Burn’s Anxiety test, placing me in the ‘extreme anxiety or panic’ group. On the Burn’s Depression checklist I scored a 34 out of 45, placing me within the most ‘severe category’. In essence, as the psychologist put it i’m going through a lot of internal suffering. We briefly talked about school and how I felt about moving my exams into the new year. I honestly felt really defeated to have to do that, but I know that it’s for the best. For the most past, I really opened up about someone who had hurt me in recent times, I think a lot of the depressive symptoms and anxiety became elevated going through this. On some level, I feel a little better after going through the session, as painful as it was to sit there and cry my feelings out. It took a lot of courage for me to do that and muster up the strength to speak out. It made me really happen to hear her praise my outlook on this “illness”, hearing how at one point I will walk away a better person and that my time to find my inner happiness will come at some point. She was a bit worried about how high my depression score was in terms of “harming myself”, but I assured her I was of no risk. She asked me what kept me living and I explained to me suicide or self harm is an easy escape, and that it’s selfish in the sense that I would cause my family and friends so much pain to go through with something like that. I’m very fortunate to have such a loving and supportive base to guide me through this journey. I haven’t really felt the pit of anxiety as much today as the previous days, i’m starting to feel a little tired after the session but other than that I feel “better” on some level. It’s going to take time and I have to be patient. Baby steps as they say. My time will come when I cross the finish line and reach my inner happiness, but that time wasn’t today.
Seriously, the amount of positive feedback i’ve been getting for this blog has been amazing. It’s really helped to lift my spirits, I really appreciate all those that have reached out to me with their own personal stories and words of encouragement. All of you are beautiful people and I am truly blessed to have you all in my life, regardless of how long it’s been since we’ve talked (or even haven’t!) or even how long we’ve known each other. Listening to all the personal stories i’ve heard, it’s eye opening to see how many of us suffer from mental health issues. I never realized the number of people suffering or have suffered because it’s “invisible” and many of us can hide our inner suffering well. It’s a sad thought to realize that regardless of how many stories i’ve heard, it’s still for the most part “looked down upon”, which makes many of us afraid to open up about our struggles or even our triumphs. I truly think that the universe picked us for a reason, it’s not an easy battle, but you know what this is what makes us stronger and builds character. Regardless of how tough it is to ride out the storm, the calm will set in at some point.
Maybe my blog will somehow open people’s eyes to what it’s like to live in the mind of someone with depression. If you are someone suffering, maybe you can relate to my experiences. It’s such a vulnerable thing to open up in this way to people but even if this blog encourages one person to reach out and seek help I would be honoured.