I was talking to someone yesterday about my antics from the last two months and how they had felt like it had negatively impacted thier life. In essence, I had been really clingy to them during a time when they needed to focus on something highly important in their life. It’s a strange feeling to be depressed though, having someone you enjoy talking to pull away is a very alarming feeling. It’s like you feel a sense of panic and get anxious when they ask you to give them some space, when normally you wouldn’t feel that way. It’s like every thing runs into over drive, and you become a lot more sensitive to things that are normal to other people to deal with. It’s almost like a fear of abandonment, even though you have so many people in your life who support and love you, it’s like it’s not enough. I could stand in a packed room full of people I know and still feel isolated.
It’s true that if you have never experienced depression, it is incredibly hard to be empathetic. I would also have to say it makes room for people to develop misconceptions about what a depressed person is feeling and generalize it to everyone. Let’s be real here, no depression is the same, what one person feels or thinks may not be the same as another person experiencing the same mental health issue. While talking to someone about how I felt panicked when they were pulling away, even though they said we would reconnect in the new year after some space, I panicked almost feeling like it was a lie. Almost like the suggestion wasn’t a good enough, regardless of who said it the fear would be there for anyone that I talked to. I enjoyed talking to this person, to them it was weird to hear something like that. It’s like you genuinely enjoy talking to someone and having them there and then you push them away because you become clingy and needy for attention. Needing to talk to someone more than you normally would. I guess in life it makes sense to think that the harder you try to hold onto someone, the more the would feel the need to pull away and breathe. It’s like how depression and anxiety go hand in hand, you can’t help but act on your feelings because they are so overwhelming. I mean if you asked me 8 months ago about someone clingy on to you for “apparently no reason” or “knowing something was up”, I would feel the same way. No one like to be smothered, it’s an awful feeling. It doesn’t make for a healthy type of relationship at all.
How can a depressed person experience feelings of joy? How can you be diagnosed as clinically depressed? I feel like this is such a huge misconception. There are periods when I experience joy, like talking to people, but once they stop talking to me the joy goes away. Almost like it’s a temporary feelings, once they leave you feel empty, isolated, and bored again. It’s almost like a fake happiness in a sense.
I have learned that depression is not something you go through on your own. I know it’s not a weakness and you can’t treat it on your own, partially why I was in denial for so long. Depression is more than just grieving or a bout of the blues. It can also be triggered spontaneously or by something stressful that happened in your life.
I know i’ve talked about it in my previous posts, but there really is no time frame to seek help. You genuinely have to be the one to admit you need help and that something is “wrong”. It’s like telling people it’s unhealthy to smoke and they should quit. You can give them your opinion and encouragement to quit, but they have to be the one’s who want that for them self. Even though someone told me that they thought I needed to seek help and support from my family and friends and spend time to focus on myself, I refused to listen and admit something was wrong. It felt almost like I was defective or something and it felt disappointing to have to admit to myself I was broken. There really is a period of denial in depression, and I admit it took my a long time to admit that I needed to reach out. It’s a bit upsetting to see how it has really affected others both before and after my diagnosis. But listening to other people reach out and give me their own personal stories has made things a bit more optimistic and helps me find peace knowing that eventually things will be better, you just need to take it one step at a time. Everyone has a different healing time, but eventually you’ll get there.
It does make me feel a bit better to know that luckily my depression is just mostly within myself. I admit I did have feelings of “ending” things at one point in time. Such as “maybe it would be nice to not have to wake up tomorrow”, but I would definitely say that I was never full out suicidal or would go through with something that drastic. Although while at a dinner yesterday, someone did bring up a story about how one of their friends had gone overseas to teach English. Apparently when they were there their girlfriend had tried to kill “her boyfriend” multiple times. I’m really grateful I never had experienced any feelings like that, to have to harm another person or myself. Such a scary thought to think about.
I feel a little bit better today after shopping for a bit and going for lunch. It’s nice to feel a bit more relaxed and have the ability to rest and hopefully get a start on my take home exam today.
On an unrelated note, I have never seen my dog so excited to be here with me, my sister and my roommate. She hates it when we leave her by herself. As much as I love my dog, I remember why I don’t like finding a random turd on my floor or walking out in the cold weather every few hours haha.
Living with depression is almost as hard as getting better.