Days 36-43

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It’s been a bumpy ride coming back to school. I do feel the weather has had an impact on my mood, plus not constantly being surrounded by people has also been a little difficult. However, I am in a much better place compared to where I was in December. I have now moved from the severe depression category to the mild depression category. It does give me hope, but at the same time I wish it would just go away and I would feel normal and happy again. I also saw the doctor yesterday and we upped the dosage of my medication to 20mg for the time being. Hopefully we will see some more improvement on this aspect. I’m sure it’ll be better when I start going to the gym again and getting in some cardio. The benefits of exercise are really good for improving mild and moderate depression symptoms. I do feel a bit tired since being back in the country, and i’ve tried not to nap, but sometimes it’s really hard not to. I find it really hard to study and focus when i’m tired, it kind of sucks. I do feel like I have experienced a lot of negative moments in comparison to goods ones. I feel like my anxiety level has been down a bit, but my depression level has been up. I just feel kind of empty at the moment. I just want to feel emotion and feel genuine happiness again. Everything just kind of feels surreal now.

I was supposed to write a make up final today for business law, but after hearing about the loss of my friend I was just in too much shock. It’s been a hard day, I’ve never really lost anyone close to me, so to hear something like this it’s been hard. It was comforting to have gotten to spend part of the day with my peer guide family as we get through this time. I was fortunate that my professor let me reschedule the make up exam due to this happening. It’s honestly been a little hard to focus today. I have another make up on Friday, hopefully I can get in a little studying today before I sleep, but I just feel so sick to my stomach thinking about everything. This was not the note on how I wanted 2014 to start off on. I was hoping for a fresh start to happiness.But it gives me comfort knowing that he’s always going to be watching out for everyone he knew. I look forward to the day when we meet again and I can see that huge smile welcoming me up to heaven.