It’s been forever since I have last written. I have just been extremely busy with school and other commitment and of course trying to get better. It’s been an up and down ride. Sometimes I honestly feel great, like I am back to normal, but then there are days that seem dark and hopeless. I think my biggest fear is that I will never be able to conquer this, that I will live the rest of my life feeling this way. Honestly at this rate, I am just looking forward to summer in a few short weeks. I could really use the break and (hopefully) stress free time to relax and enjoy myself. It’s nice to be home for the next few days and have my dogs and family to keep me company before I go back to school to write my last few exams.
So how am I doing now? I won’t lie I still have my good days and bad days. I seemed to have taken a step back recently with a few personal events that have arisen in my life, particularly with relationships and school. Namely the school event has been the greatest struggle. My marks have seemed to drop a bit this year which has been the greatest struggle for me being a high achieving student, it is kind of distressing, particularly when I am supposed to be on track to graduate next year. I was also tangled in to an alleged event that occurred during one of my make up exams back in January. This has taken a huge toll on me, certain higher up people trying to put something I didn’t do on me just so they have someone to blame. As my psychologist said, it’s time I stick up for myself, I way to often put other people in front of me, but I never take a moment to put my self first or stand up for my own values and beliefs. I refuse to accept blame for something I didn’t do, just because other people “feel” you did it. If I have to go down for something I didn’t do because I don’t want to take the blame for it, so be it. At the end of the day, I know I didn’t do what I was accused of and I will walk out stronger from this.
But as exams come closer I am feeling the crunch and the worry. Maybe not to the the extent I felt in December but it’s still there affecting my sleep and eating habits. I also managed to reconnect with the person who hurt me in the recent past. It’s nice to reconnect with them, but at the same time I know those close to me don’t agree. I would like to believe that people do change for the better, but maybe I am naive in thinking that. It’s weird to think that back in December this person wanted nothing to do with me, at a time when I needed them most, message me out of the blue checking in and then grabbing food and drinks. There’s apart of me that wants to believe they changed, but I know back in December they were so afraid I would “ruin” their life with things that THEY said at their own will. Obviously I would never do that, anyone who actually knows me would know that. It took a lot of strength for me and talking with my psychologist to get over that and believe I was making the right choice in keeping those conversations secret, when everyone around me would have rather had me do the opposite. Apart of me thinks this is the reason why they decided to reach out for me and “do a check in” as they said.
On another note, I got my position back on student council for next year. I’m excited at the new possibilities this will allow me to bring into my program. I really want to finish up the career panel and alumni relations I started last year as the Vice President Academic, but also I want to target mental health and bring more awareness and support into student’s lives. If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them! I was also thinking of making exam de-stressor kits for students to use to get through exams. It would be nice to include packages of information, snacks, coupons and things like stress balls for student’s to use. I want to open that discussion for students in my program, being in Health Science I want to set a precedence for other programs and faculties to follow and have my school be known for supporting their students. It’s such a major issue for many universities across North America, it’s time school’s step up their game and help students. We shouldn’t be leaving people behind, the early you treat these issues, the better the outcome in most cases.
Meanwhile, my blog has gone world wide it seems. Looking at the map that WordPress creates it seems like people from all over have dropped by to check out my space. It would be so awesome if one person from every country could visit or to try and fill as much of this map as possible! If I could help one person out or help them along their journey to being healthy and happy again, I would be so happy. That’s what I want, i’m tired of people feeling like they have to hide apart of themselves because they feel scrutinized or defective because of battling mental health issues. I had a friend open up to me about their struggles and how they didn’t feel comfortable opening up to their parents about it because of culture and how their parents wouldn’t understand. While I do believe culture plays a large role in how we tackle issues such as mental health, nothing will ever change if we don’t try to make it happen. We need to be open to talking and trying to understand. Time’s are changing, why are we leaving people to suffer when there are so many services, applications and methods to treating these people. I find that cruel in itself, you don’t just “get over this”, no it’s a team effort for an individual to get better. No one can get better or be healthy if they feel like they have to hide apart of their self from their friends, family, or community. I know if I didn’t open up about this to those close to be I would still be in that dark place I was only a few short months ago, it’s been a long road to recovery but hopefully the end is near and the battle will be won. As for my friend, I really encouraged her to open up to her family, you need that support network, but in the end it’s her choice. I can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do, but I do advise people who aren’t sure whether to open up to someone, take a chance and be persistent that you need and want help and would love to have their support. If they don’t choose to support you, maybe they aren’t the best people to count on or have fully immersed in your life. But there are others out there who can help, I would offer help or advice to anyone struggling and be more than happy to direct people to resources and services that they might find useful.
For those of you writing exams, good luck! For those of you fortunate to not be writing exams, lucky you 😛
Talk to you seen loves!