Day: I've Lost Count

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So many of you have probably wondered what has happened to me over the past few months, and where have I been hiding. To be honest, i’ve been so tired from work and going out all the time i’ve had little time to write about how i’ve been feeling. Don’t get me wrong, i’ve felt incredibly guilty for not updating in awhile. There has been a lot on my mind lately that I needed to get off my chest.

“So how’s the depression going miss?”, by now you would think that I would be fine and everything would be dandy. The truth is, it’s still here. Although there have been weeks that have gone by where I have thought I was in the clear, it’s still here. For the past few weeks it’s been rough, i’m just feeling really tired and not in the mood to talk much. I kind of just want to be left alone to hover in my own world in fetal position and just cry for hours on end. I’m tired of living this what feels like a prison sentence. Maybe I should change my thinking pattern to something along the lines of you can’t feel let down or hurt if you have no expectations, right?

Who knows, maybe this recent bout has been brought on by all the let downs that have been occurring lately, with school, life, love life, work, etc. It’s hard to not get into these negative thinking traps, I try so hard to push myself out, but I feel like I always get pushed back to where I started from. Starting with back to school, it was so unfair that I couldn’t get into most of the classes I wanted to get into because the school for got to register me in my program. I’m in fourth year, I shouldn’t be running into problems with signing up for courses I’ve been waiting 3 years to get into. Why am I paying so much for course I don’t even want?

I guess what’s really triggered this recent bout has been getting cut out of someone you genuinely enjoyed talking to and spending time with’s life. I get that things are complicated, if you must know his life has been a bit chaotic lately with the health of his mum in question and having little time for anything else in his life at the moment. But I was willing to be there to support him and wait to see what happens or where things would go, not get cut out cold turkey. I get that he needs time for himself to figure things out and doesn’t have much time for anything else at the moment, but it still hurts. It still hurts because the feelings were there, they were mutual. It hurts because even though he says it has nothing to do with me, or anything I did or didn’t do, it feels like it is. It just feels like someone came along and punched me right in the heart. 

It all makes me kind of nervous to start the school year to be honest. Am I truly ready? This is a do or die year for me. Last year of school…there’s no time for setbacks or failures. I try to be optimistic and curb the negative traps, but it’s hard. It’s like being sucked into a whirlpool and having to pull yourself out. I’m just tired of living a life where i have to fake being happy, because deep down inside i’m suffering.

I’m starting to think I just need time for myself. I need to focus on me and what I want and need. I’m tired of letting other people hold onto my happiness, I guess it’s time I stand up and take care of myself. I just feel like i’m back in an old rut….

I obviously intended for this to be a longer entry, but i’m just too tired to continue to write anything…sigh.

-M