Hello again, It’s been awhile. I must say quite a few life changes have happened over the past few months. I am now officially a graduate from Western. It’s bittersweet really, a lot of tears, sweat, and  love went into making this opportunity even possible. It’s quite frightening how fast four years passes, and it gives me even more anxiety to even think about what the future has in store for me. Even more so, the thought of having to pay off debt and find a stable job seems to me the most worrisome for me these days. It’s also scary to have to start over and say bye to all the friends i’ve made over the years at Western. In the fall, i will be attending Graduate school in the U.K., which is where many of my worries stem from. As much as I am excited to embark on a new journey, it’s incredibly frightening to move half way across the world. It will also be hard leaving behind my boyfriend, whom i’ve been dating for awhile. I’m not sure how we will manage not only being a 7 hour flight away, but also having a five hour time difference. It’ll be hard to juggle everything, but I’m always up for the challenge of trying to make things work. I guess our first real test of the whole long-distance relationship thing comes this summer, when he goes up to Northern Ontario to work. To put it in perspective, it’s about a ten hour drive from where I live. As much as I would like to believe him when he says he’ll drive back when he has one week breaks, there’s always a small part of me that doubts it. Namely, because he hates driving in the Toronto area and also that fact that its a ten hour drive (one way!). Aside from my boyfriend’s work, I will also be balancing my own summer job. I dread waking up at 5:15 every morning and getting home at the earliest for 6. It’s incredibly stressful barely getting enough sleep on the daily with going to bed at 10:30 the earliest I can get into bed comfortably. I also wanted to be proactive and get fit this summer doing crossfit. I need the challenge of working as a group, I really can’t get into the whole groove of working out at the gym solo on the treadmill or lifting weights. I guess a lot of where my depression has been sneaking back related to the fact that I have gained roughly 30 pounds over the past 8 months. It’s really affected how I feel about my self and what others would possibly think of my weight gain. I know I lost a lot of weight when I battled depression, but it has affected my self-esteem quite a bit over the past few months. There was a really cool hashtag on Twitter that I came across a few days ago trying to raise awareness for mental health called #iwishmyfriendknew. It brought up a lot of feelings for me surrounding my own battle with depression. I won’t lie I feel a lot better than when I was at my worst, but some days I feel it slowly creeping back into my mood. I become more irritable, quite, and seem to lack the ability to feel emotion or attachment. It still haunts me, and sometimes I feel like it will always be the shadow that lingers in my life. But one thing I did wish my friends would understand relates to the fact that I am not ashamed of what I have been through and I wish they didn’t always feel the need to watch what they have to say when it comes to mental health. I can tell that even though I have been incredibly open with what I have gone through in hopes of advocating for the many of us hiding, that there is still a sense of depression still being a rather “taboo” topic for my own generation. I realize too that I am not always as open as I would like to be. It’s hard wanting to open up and talk about how I really feel, particularly when I feel empty. I find it much easier to write about and gather my thoughts, than to have to spill it all out at once and being prodded with 500 questions about why I feel that way, or what else is bothering me. I want to just take things at my own pace. I hope everyone has been well the past few months, I always strive to keep my blog updated but its so hard balancing school. I was incredibly busy over the past few months trying to finish all my assignments and graduate schools applications. Hopefully I will hear some more good news over the next month or so. I have been accepted to both King’s College London and The University of Edinburgh, which is quite exciting! However, there are still a few more school’s I am waiting to hear from, which I am anxious to hear back for. Talk to you all soon. Cheers, M

Author