Forgiveness.

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There’s been quite a bit on my mind lately, but there’s always been one reoccurring thought that has consistently returned to me over the past few months. Betrayal. How does one look into they eyes of someone that has once betrayed them and forgive them. I guess I would assume the answer is time and pushing someone out of your life or mind, but what happens when that person comes back into your life to ask for forgiveness? Do you forgive them going down the morally acceptable route or forgive them out of fear that it’s “essentially” the only way to move on? Or do you completely switch gears and choose not to forgive and let both parties settle into a pit of unforgiveness and despair?

To give a bit of context this all occurred late at the end of 2014. An apology I had waited over a year for suddenly appeared from someone I had once cared very much for. At the time I chose to forgive, in the thought that in the moment it is what I had wanted most and at the thought that it was the morally acceptable thing to do to allow someone else to “move on” with their life peacefully. The truth is, over the past few months I have come to the conclusion that I really haven’t forgiven them. in fact I think i’m incredibly bitter over the whole matter. At the time I would have preferred to sit down in person at some point and hear them out, but instead I chose to settle for an online video chat to help them get over their guilt that they had been feeling over the holidays. I’ve had to teach myself that I didn’t deserve to be treated like crap by someone I cared about, regardless of what had been going on in their mind. Do we excuse people who choose to commit violent acts in order to address a situation? Do we accept the husband or wife that chooses to slap their significant other in the heat of the moment? The answer is no. While I understand I was at a low point trying to battle the depression I had been dealt with, that still doesn’t excuse the racist and derogatory comments I was dealt with to try to “rid” themselves of me. It was weird and awkward to have an apology come up because of the guilt someone felt a “year” after all the negative events transpired and their guilt over reflecting back on everything had come to them. I was scared to say what was on my mind and in some ways, maybe i’m still scared to admit that in fear that it makes me seem weak or “obsessive” over something that occurred so long ago. The truth is what was said in those moments I was so depressed still reach deep into me at times almost like lashes that i’m undeserving of any happiness that falls into my life. How do you forgive someone for this?

Although they encouraged me to reach out to them and essentially allow them to help rectify any matters that was connected to that time period, how do I go back and do this? Both parties have clearly moved on from that time period and so little is exchanged between the both of us, that it would be awkward and me bet with the likelihood of resentment from everyone in the situation. The truth is when they asked if I lost out on opportunities because of what transpired and I said no, that was a lie. I have lost out on opportunities and while I could never place all the blame on them for some of the things I have lost out on (as depression generally isn’t caused solely by one event), it definitely contributed to it. But even if they were to somehow ask “what can I do to fix the problem”, the answer is I don’t think they can do anything, it’s already too late. I got the apology they wanted to get of their chest to move on with their life, but now I’m stuck here trying to figure out what to do with mine. A skype apology was more then enough for them, but honestly it did nothing for me but leave me with more questions.

So how am I able to forgive?

-M