I don’t know why i’m feeling so blue today. Maybe blue isn’t the right word, I guess i’m just feeling exceptionally down and anxious for a combination of factors I have yet to understand. I guess to put it in more understandable terms, i’m feeling a 4.5/10 today, with 10 being extremely happy.
I’m not even sure when I began to feel this way, it’s been building up over the past week or two and today it’s reached a peak. It’s exhausting feeling this way and it’s hard to force a smile when you feel so pained. Yesterday was supposed to be an enjoyable evening at the Christmas Law Party, but yet my anxieties and mood got the better of me. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when you feel this way or feel connected to people when you don’t even feel connected to yourself.
Maybe it’s the stress from school and how I planned to accomplish so much before I flew home for Christmas break, and yet have accomplished not a whole lot. Or maybe it’s the stress of being far from loved ones and how my decision to study overseas has impacted them and how I miss them. Maybe it’s the stresses of the unknown and how in a few months i’ll have to set myself up to enter the workforce or that fact that it’s been hard to find the motivation to work. Maybe it’s the fact that every time I take my anti-depressant pill I feel incredibly nauseous and unable to do anything. But it could also be the fact that i’ve had the worst sleeps over the past month, only able to fall asleep at 4 am.
I feel trapped by my own thoughts. I feel confused. I just don’t see the light today and I don’t know why.
There’s always tomorrow though.