Crazy Ride of a Year

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I must say social media has provided me with a great platform to not only get my thoughts and feelings into the world, but to also share my thoughts on particular issues as expressed through my coursework that I have completed in my undergrad. It’s been heartwarming to see some of the personal messages people have sent me through Twitter saying how they’ve enjoyed reading my blog. It’s also been a big year for me, today I finally passed the viewers mark that I set last year. It’s crazy to think that i’ve already surpassed last year in terms of numbers and how much of 2016 is left. What I also enjoy looking at is the viewers from around the world feature and seeing where my viewers are located in the world. It’s always make me slightly happy to see a new country on my list (I am a bit of a geography nerd I might add).

This has been a relatively hard (not always in a bad way) year for me with transitioning into not only a Master’s program but also learning to be independent while living an ocean away from all my loved ones. It’s a little bittersweet to say that much of my time in the UK has come to an end, with classes being officially over and all that is left is to focus on my dissertation. It wasn’t always an easy transition, there were plenty of nights where I felt completely alone and isolated from everyone and everything that I am attached to. It was hard experiencing resurges in my once controlled depression.

I would say the hardest part of the year for me was saying goodbye to my dog being so far away from home and knowing I would never get to see him or hold him again. Being two weeks from having the opportunity to say my goodbye in a way will haunt me forever. The nights I would lay awake and feel guilty for having moved so far away from home when I could have been there in his last few weeks. I thought things couldn’t get any worse, until I got home 2 and a half weeks later to see my other dog close to the end of life, struggling to breathe and move around. It was a week after that it became evident that the time had come for her and it wasn’t fair to put her through any more suffering. Having to put her down was devastating. Like a piece of my childhood was ripped out of my soul. The almost 16 years we spent together had come to an end. It’s crazy how empty you can feel losing someone as close as your pet, especially losing two within a month of one another. The guilt I feel for not having been around as much in their last few years of life still lingers in my mind. Even writing out this portion of my post has been incredibly hard. How much I want to sit here and bawl in a public space but can’t because I feel so ashamed to cry over what some people call a ‘trivial’ thing. I know there is no time line to have to get over something such as this, but in a sense i’m afraid to let go and forget the memories I made with them. I just wish there was someway I could spend one more day with them, but I know that even if I did have the opportunity, no amount of time would ever be long enough.

More recently i’ve been struggling with my life path. How many nights I lay awake at night contemplating my life and where it is taking me. How the anxiety of wanting to know whether I will finally be able to pursue my dream of nursing will come true. It’s hard knowing that as hard as I’ve worked the past 5 years, it may not be good enough to allow me to pursue something I so desperately want because of the competitive nature of the applicants applying. How finding out I ‘almost’ failed my coursework which was 100% of my grade for a mandatory module caused me to question my self-abilities and intelligence. Being in a program of incredibly bright people to find out that the work I tediously worked on and sought help for wasn’t good enough was hard. However, finding strength from myself  and loved one and learning to accept failure is inevitable in life has been humbling. It taught me to question things and from that I was able to improve my mark slightly in the course allowing me to finish with a decent mark and not have to redo the assignment has been a bittersweet pill to swallow. While i’m happy to have passed the module, it makes me nervous to get lower marks than what i’m used to and has made me even more anxious for the future and my hope for becoming a nurse.

I want to be not only part of the team that aims to heal and rehabilitate patients, but also be a support network and see patients through the best and worst of times. I want to be the active listener patients often crave and help them though mental obstacles that are blocking their way to a healthy recovery. It’s been hard waiting the past 4.5 months, the closer we get to the acceptance dates, the harder it is for me to not feel the anxiety rushing through my body. I’ve slowly had to learn to accept that sometimes in life there are things that you can’t control and after a certain point you have to just be patient and wait to see what happens. It’s hard though, coming from someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. I won’t lie there are times when I want so bad to crawl into a ball and just fade away, but I know that I can’t and that as much as life can be incredibly tough at times, I just need to take it one step at a time (no matter how big the step is).

I guess we will see what life has in store for me at the end of the month. All I can do is patiently wait and continue to embrace the mantra of taking things one step at a time. All I can do is smile at the things I am fortunate to have and take a step back to appreciate how far I have come in the past 3 years of fighting a likely life-long battle. I have promised myself every night that the depression/anxiety monster will not beat me and I will continue to work hard and show compassion to myself to achieve this.

M