The days.

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You don’t know how many mornings I wake up, wishing to see a good morning text or even just a hello.

How many nights I lie awake wanting to ask you how your day was, if you need anything, or that I wish I could see you.

They say time heals old wounds, but I feel like the longer we’re apart the more I miss you and wonder about you. It makes me realize how important you were in my life. I don’t even know why I write in this tense, it’s not like you’d even read anything I wrote on here.

I miss being there to cheer you up, having you here to make me smile when I feel down, or even just relaxing with a glass of wine and a few cans of beer watching Netflix. I started a new show a couple days ago called Narcos. I know you’d enjoy it just as much as I do.

I think about how I would have been attending your brother’s wedding with you next weekend. How excited I was to be part of such a special day for your family and see your extended family again. I really loved how I felt like family and I never felt unwelcome no matter where we met them. I wish I could bring you lunch every so often, so that I could make sure that a) you were eating healthy and b) you were making time to eat. How we could make time to destress, even though we both have busy schedules. I miss watching you referee, even though I was freezing half the time or had a million things to do. I didn’t mind making the time because I liked being there to support you in a weird way.

It makes it hard to think that only one year ago I was in London, England, talking about how much I missed you and how I wish we would be celebrating our anniversary together, trying to encourage you to visit me. It’s funny to think back to how you tricked me into thinking you weren’t going to be able to visit me on your reading week. That memory will last me a life time, in that I am so grateful we got to spend that one week together because that made such a big turn around in my overseas experience.

I wish I could take the world off your shoulders just like you did for me, when I thought I couldn’t live alone across the ocean or how when I failed and you were there to pick me right back up. I miss just talking to you and seeing you, even if sometimes I could only see you for a short amount of time. It was worth it, and the tears I shed when I left we would part were real. I really did feel connected to you and being apart was always hard because I never felt like we had enough time, I always wanted to spend more with you to learn amount you, to laugh with you, but most of all to love and be loved.

There’s so much I want to talk to you about, how many changes are going on and what’s going on right now. The past couple weeks hasn’t been easy, and i’m sure it hasn’t been easy on you too. We both carry a lot of guilt i’m sure for how we handled things and what happened and what was lost. I wish you were here to talk about things.

Thinking back, i’m still hurt by some things that happened and what was said. I know you may not have meant them, but sometimes I don’t think you understand how words can hurt. I wish we could just talk because we’re both empathic and solve our problems easily. It just feels easy with you, since day 1 I have always found it easy to talk to you about anything and everything. I know you feel the same and I know things about you that I know other people will never know.

I miss you friend and I hope you’re okay. Stay out of trouble you scrub.