Contentment and Anxiety.

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Finally, a new theme I am absolutely digging right now. As my blog continues to expand and become more visited it’s an exciting step to take. It’s nice finally being able to have my own domain and have a theme in which I finally enjoy looking at on all the formats (ex. computer, tablet, and phone).

I’m kind of excited to write my yearly recap post about my blog coming out in early December. This year has been the most successful year for my blog as of late, which is bittersweet in itself.

Lately, i’ve struggled to cope with my depression over the past 4 months. It’s taken a huge toll on my concentration, sleep and eating patterns, and being able to feel connected to others. There’s been so many changes and events that were unexpected over the past few months and trying to deal with them and the people involved has been draining at times to say the least. On some level, it’s comforting to have someone there who knows what you’re going through, but on another level it’s hard trying to navigates everyone’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions when situations get stressful, tiring, and interfering with busy schedules.

It’s definitely not how I thought I would start off my nursing student path or living in a new city where I have little support at times. It’s almost weird to say that since I lived abroad for months and to be at “home” in Canada and I can still feel out of place. I guess on some level I didn’t anticipate many of the things that happened. I’ve had to push off a number of things because I couldn’t keep up due to stress, anxiety, grief, etc., but i’m not ashamed to open up and admit when things are too much. My professors and coordinators have been highly accommodating and understanding to my situation and condition and I am incredibly grateful to have such understanding people rooting me through. Nursing school is freaking tough. I guess part of me is scared to admit how easy it is to fall behind on things here. Things I will need to know for future years, not just something I memorize and forget about. I can’t ignore anatomy and physiology, even though that’s been my biggest struggle. I need to understand how the body functions and the processes involved and how in the future medication will interact with these processes in treating illness. But I just can’t focus these days and it’s made me even more stressed to think about. I’ve never been known to be a slacker or unprepared and that’s exactly how I feel right now and it makes it hard to stay optimistic when it feels like everything is crashing all at once. But I can’t will myself to jump ship, i’ve invested so much time, energy and money into this that I don’t want to be known as a quitter. I knew nursing would be hard, people warned me about the saying “C’s get degrees” and I realize on some level its true even coming from someone whose maintained mid-80% averages for most of my academic career. I’m competing with some of the best students in the province and the material we learn and skills we’re expected to master are not for the faint hearted. You don’t want an incompetent nurse to treat you and I realize that’s the mentality we have to take in order to try to succeed. Blood, sweat and tears is what people tell me, but to hope that it’s your own. I never imagined it to be this hard, there’s so much to do and learn and it doesn’t just stop at the level of being a student. My future career will be stressful, I will have to accept that I will never know everything, and that at the end of the day you’re dealing with often the most vulnerable people and their lives. Nursing school is freaking hard, but I know nursing itself will be even harder and crazier.

Although I struggle inside, it’s been incredible hearing the stories of my nursing mentors and their careers and the patients that come back from the brink of death or see the determination on their faces to do the best they can for their patients even when they don’t always feel prepared to handle it. It’s one of the few things that keeps me inspired to stay on the path I’m on. I’m here for a reason and I was chosen from thousands to (hopefully) become apart of a distinguished group of healthcare providers in the coming years. As tough as things are now and will be as I continue to try my best to push through everything. I know I sometimes put too much pressure on myself and it’s something I have to work on, but it’s really easier said than done. I’m a competitor at heart and it makes it hard for me to accept that I need to tone it down sometimes to watch out for my own well-being.

I guess to sum up how I’m feeling about my life right now and how chaotic it is, the picture below is how I feel on a nightly basis. For someone who was normally so organized, diligent in finishing work early, and sleeping well, this has been a distressing period of time in my life.