Saying Goodbye.

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This is going to be a pretty emotional post for me to try to write out. I spent yesterday with a close friend who has been grieving not only the loss of the relationship with let’s call him LJ that ended over the summer, but also her grief of having gone through an abortion. She had called me to come over after having spent part of the afternoon talking to him. It makes me sad because she hid it from so many people, only to open up about it with me after the fact. That she felt obligated to keep it between the two of them because he kept reassuring her he would be there for her when she needed it. Yet any time she brought up her hesitation with the procedure out of worry, grief, and fear she would be shut down and yelled at. It’s not about whether they are still in a relationship, it’s about being a friend, a human, and a compassionate being.

To give him credit he did pick her up from the hospital and spend time with her taking care of her when she had to take the medication and he diligently brought food when she was so ill from the side effects. Even going so far as to sleep over to make sure she didn’t bleed out, after what she said was a struggle at times to convince him to do so. He would always argue that if she REALLY needed him or something went wrong, she could just call him to come over and take her to the hospital. It makes me so angry inside to hear that. To hear someone she loved so much for a significant period of time and he couldn’t even give her the time of day because “they weren’t together anymore” and spending time with another girl makes me ill. She should never have been left alone, it doesn’t matter. It’s a matter that happened because two people loved one another and a mistake happened.

They did have a good relationship, I knew them both well enough to see how happy they were to be with one another. Always happy to introduce one another to friends and family or make travel plans. I knew they had their struggles, but somehow with their easy going personalities they made it work and would always resolve things. But I also knew they both had their struggles with everything going on in their lives. She had been very open with me about how she felt overwhelmed by everything and being the one putting in more effort into the relationship lately. It took a toll on her and I watched her carry on like a trooper, trying to put his happiness before hers at times. Don’t get me wrong, LJ is a good guy, but sometimes things get the best of him and when he’s overwhelmed he walks away. Often not permanently, since he’s not a quitter and he always tries his best to fix things, but long enough that it hurts to watch her hurt so bad.  Yet yesterday, he told her that he was happier without her. That he had never been happy with her and that he had never loved her. Yet he projected his struggles on to her, with not making the effort to change how he felt, unhappy with how things were going on around him, or making the excuse he used her because he was lonely. We’re talking about a decent looking guy, who is smart, sociable, and has a great work ethic, using this equally great girl because he “couldn’t find or connect with someone else because he has social problems” and he felt he wouldn’t find someone else. Yet he dropped her like a hot potato to try to find someone better. This is a girl he had once said he wanted to marry, someone he would regret letting go, and that made him so happy. I know she loved him to the core, i’ve been in the same position and I know that feeling of having your heart ripped out. It breaks me she had to go through that and to have to make the decision to get an abortion.

To be honest I never really understood why they broke up, so I can’t imagine how she felt. Everyone around him knew he was stressed with school and trying to find himself, but it was hard to watch her put in her all to make it work. She had always been open with me about the struggles they were going through and her worries of how she could help make him feel better and happy again. It was kind of a sudden decision in which he told her he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t balance everything around him and he just wasn’t happy anymore. He couldn’t balance what he felt was school and a serious relationship. Yet, yesterday she found out he was seeing someone new. I listened and broke down with as she told me how much it felt like her heart had been ripped out not only once, but twice. To find out the every time she had tried to reach out to him to talk about how she was feeling about the abortion, he would say “he didn’t care about how she felt or what she was feeling” or that “I don’t have any time to spare for you” or “I have better things I would rather be doing than be talking to or with you”. It crushed me to hear her say those words to me, let alone the devastation and emptiness that fills her soul. To know she wasn’t worth his time in a moment so dark and emotional, he was spending time with another girl. That after her procedure he never once reached out to make sure she was okay or to check on how she was feeling.

Yeah the physical pain of the abortion hurt her and she was in pain for a few days after, but the emotional pain she still feels haunts her everyday. How she told me she wanted so bad to reach out to him and talk about things and what was going on, yet she didn’t want to bother him because she felt like he had been through enough stress already and she wanted him to get back on track on focus on school. Something he had been putting off and falling behind in because he was so stressed and angry about having to go through the unplanned pregnancy. It haunts her that when she first told him about the pregnancy, he wouldn’t even talk to her, she told me she had to tell him through an e-mail!  That when he finally called her, he yelled at her telling her things like this was all her fault, he hated her, he had wished he had never met her, and that she tried to use it to trap him. For those who know her, she’d be the least likely to be described as conniving or deceitful. The first to admit she’s not perfect, but works hard to make others happy. She’s always put everyone else around her first, and i’ve watched her struggle to find her own happiness because she worries about others and how they feel. I’ve know her for long enough, that she just gets how I feel without having to say anything and always tries to find a way to make me feel happy especially through my long battle with depression, even if she feels the same way.

Yet yesterday, she told me she felt like the procedure didn’t work fully. So she had tried to talk to him and when he came over it was an emotional conversation. It was the first time they had a chance to talk about how they each felt about the abortion and their unborn child. How he didn’t want to raise a child with her because he didn’t love or really care about how she felt and that he felt like a failure for not being able to raise it. That the child was apart of them.  That inside it killed him too. Yet he had said he had wanted to reach out to her after the last procedure, but didn’t. Yet when she felt like she couldn’t do the procedure a second time and she was feeling conflicted between her emotions and logical side, he tried to leave in anger instead of trying to understand where she was coming from. I understand he misunderstood her but still, talking is a two way street.

What killed me inside was her confession that she had and has thoughts about what it would be like to commit suicide. How she felt too tired and exhausted to keep fighting to stay above the water. That she couldn’t sleep, eat, or think straight. That everything felt like it was too much. How is it that a girl who used to be so full of light, wonder, and potential could have such dark thoughts? That when she opened up to tell him how she felt, he got angry with her that she would use it to try to make him stay around and talk to her. How she told him she had tried to kill herself recently because it felt like too much and when she tried to reach out to him he shut her down. In his words, he couldn’t do anything for her. He wasn’t her boyfriend anymore. Yet, every day she struggles with the guilt of feeling like she let herself down, she let him down, and she let God down. That when he asked if he could accompany her to the hospital he said no, that it wasn’t his problem and that he was at home with family and he couldn’t text her anymore because his phone was about to die. In reality, she later found out he was having a date night with a girl. What the actual flying duck. It makes me so angry for her, so hurt for her, and makes me question how humanity can be so f’ed up. I’ve  honestly lost faith in the world after hearing all of this.

I hope she tries to remember she is always loved, and that help is a phone call away. It breaks me apart to know someone full of so much potential and love would want to leave or feel she wasn’t strong enough to keep fighting. I’m so glad she opened up to me but it makes me sad to know he hasn’t even had the courage to talk to her after she confronted him.  That if she ends up still with complications or still pregnant she has to feel like she’s going through this alone. Even though I try so hard to be there for her, it’s not the same as having the person who created this being be there for her to talk to. I can’t imagine what thoughts must be racing through her mind at times.

I’ve honestly never seen someone so down before. Someone who used to be so full of light, laughter, and motivation. She lost her glimmer, and it kills me to watch her go through this.

I honestly hope she finds the forgiveness she seeks.

M