The Feeling of Being Let Down.

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I guess I shouldn’t be shocked to be let down time and time again. I could use the time to focus on my life and what I need to do, but I can’t. I can’t focus with what’s been said and done. I could be focusing on writing my test tomorrow, but instead I have that pit in my stomach of disappointment, of sadness, of anger, and of fatigue. Instead I sit at my desk trying to figure out my next steps and how to deal with what I’m thinking about and dealing with. That I let things get this way and couldn’t stand up for myself because it felt like I was hurting someone, annoying someone, being unreasonable, or that I wanted them to make sure they felt like they had a role to play so that hopefully at some point they could know they were there and I want to live a life with no regrets. I wanted to try my best, even if it wasn’t always the right move. I realize there’s two sides to every story, that yes this person has not had a chance to share their side, and they would likely disagree with things I have to say or write. I appreciate this person for what they’ve done for me and how they’ve been there for me at times, but I realize now I can only defend so much and give so many excuses for their actions before it makes me become delusional about the bigger picture.

It always seems like its my fault for why things aren’t going right or for why problems are arising in their life and why things are going wrong. As if things weren’t difficult for me. That I haven’t suffered physically, emotionally, and mentally too. As if I haven’t slept well, felt my best, ate healthy meals, struggled to concentrate, or feel rooted in what I invested my time, heart, and money into. Why am I being blamed all the time? I don’t blame them for the same things I am going through on a daily basis, I own it and admit my own flaws, weaknesses, and abilities. Life sucks sometimes and I wish so bad I could take away the suffering people face. Inherently, I think it’s one of the reasons that drew me into nursing. You don’t need to be someone’s friend to be there to support someone or need special qualifications to be able to care for someone. At the end of the day, it’s about what you do and say. Verbal language is important but more importantly is non-verbal language. Our gestures, the actions we take and eye contact. You don’t need to hug a patient or a person always to show you care, in many cases it’s being able to have a conversation with someone, sitting beside them, or even taking time out of your day to check in on them. Seemingly small and basic gestures add up.

The purpose of blame is to protect our own self-esteem by making others responsible for when things go wrong or aren’t going as planned. If I bounce a check, I can take responsibility for not making sure there was enough money in the account or I can blame my someone for not making me aware of the situation.  If I blame my someone I care about, it may hurt her feelings and cause an argument.  But, if I blame myself, then I will feel stupid or inadequate. For people who primarily know how to deal with problems by blaming, it becomes reassuring to blame others.  If they are having a lot of problems, and even if at the root of things the problems have nothing to do with the the person in question, the person closest to them may get most of the blame.  For such men and women, this person is plays the important psychological role of the scape goat.  It protects their the self esteem. I’m guilty of this at times, particularly when i’m insecure about something, it’s so easy to point the finger and blame than to internally question yourself.

Things have been tough over the past few months. I watched someone I love change. Someone I thought they would never become suddenly appeared. Maybe I have high expectations for people. I hate the feeling of being lied to, regardless of how small it is whether its about working or about people around or what’s going on. Being lied to freaking sucks, it’s like your worthless. It’s not about just physically showing up to be there for someone. Caring goes beyond that, it’s the tone of your voice, your actions, your concerns or questions, your compassion, your willingness to be there for someone etc.

I’m not a perfect person, i’ve said things to people I shouldn’t have opened up to and i’ve done things that weren’t downright selfish and disrespectful. But at the end of the day when someone makes you feel like you have no other option to talk to about things, what am I supposed to do? All of a sudden maintaining a reputation becomes a question? So what happens behind closed doors isn’t important? We all make decisions, we all make mistakes, and we all say the wrong things at times of frustration, stress, and sadness. I guess I wanted to know the person would be there for me to the end. That if they truly cared about what was going on and about my health they would make the effort to be there to finish the job. Handing responsibility to someone else when it inconveniences other people isn’t being mature or rationale especially when it’s not needed. Yes, this issue has been ongoing and things happened that were unexpected but regardless, I still have to put up with it and I still have to suffer too and lose sleep over it. Yet, i’m expected to give the updates for a job they don’t want to finish. I don’t owe someone that, if you want to know or you care so much about the issue, you’ll show up and be there especially if it’s a situation that can be handled. You don’t ask your boss asking to be updated about the meeting or the project, if it means so much to you, you show up because you care about your job enough to do that. Why is is any different for a person? You know the risks when you take part in a action and you deal with it until the job is done. You don’t play a hockey game and all of a sudden tell the coach, I quit, let Jim take over for me, oh but keep me updated on the score so I know what happens when I leave but I care about the game still.

Maybe i’m different or weird. Today in a conversation with my roommates about our living arrangements I said I would be willing to accommodate my roommate and her boyfriend (along with his baby at times) because it would make her happy, even though it would likely inconvenience me. How I was willing to accommodate both my roommates with allowing them to have guests stay for an extended time, even though it adds to space being lost for me and more bodies around the house taking from my privacy. My roommate questioned why I did it. To be honest I have no answer. I just like seeing people happy and I hate disappointment.  But at the same time I’ve started to realize I haven’t put myself first or asked what I need. I send so much time trying to accommodate others I forget to take a step back and look at things as a whole.

There’s always a part of me that believes people change, but sometimes I have to questions whether it’s true. You give so many chances to someone expecting them to show up or maintain their change and it sucks when they let you down. You have one good day with a person and then two bad days. I don’t have the heart to discredit someone for the work they do put in. I’m grateful for the time this person gave me and the time they took to do things like feed me or drive me places or check in on me. But I can’t help but be let down for the things this person has said at times, for the fact that they left me high and dry with the expectation that I owe them all of sudden to update them on a job someone else shouldn’t have to do when it’s an issue between us, that I could feel so uncomfortable at times to even be in the same room as them, or for them to tell me their only there to make sure i’m okay for they’re own benefit. I’m human, i’m emotional and i’m sensitive, but I also care about people for the most part unconditionally.

I made mistakes and I know I upset, annoyed, and hurt them too at times, but I accept my mistakes and try to fix things. Maybe I say the wrong things at times, but I also saw this person change. I saw them become someone they aren’t and I let them talk to me at times in a way I didn’t deserve to be talked to like that. I let people who I barely know watch me become weak, watch me breakdown and make poor decisions because I felt like I had no other choice. I just wanted to know we could get through this together. That one day when we look back, we can both say, we were there for one another, we were mature, and we did the right thing. To know we finished the job together, instead now that it seemingly “appears” the job may be done, they feel it is time for them to walk away regardless of the fact of what the circumstances are between us. It’s not about being a lover or a friend, it’s just about being there as a person. Just as a nurse or doctor is there for someone they have no attachment to. It’s your job to put on the smile and make sure someone is getting better, being there for someone at what is likely a low period of their life, and helping them get back on their feet. That at the end of the day you can fall asleep knowing you did and completed your job successfully. That you care about someone enough to see that, not only for them but to have that inner peace within yourself to know that you were there. I feel like walking away from a job I would never get a sense of full closure, that no discussion would take way from the fact that I walked away from my own responsibility that I made someone else take over for me not even in a time of crisis or emergency when plans could be made to accommodate things, that I left when things became tough for myself when I know things were just as difficult for them. I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that. I couldn’t live with the fact that I wouldn’t truly know they were okay especially after everything we went through, that the job was or wasn’t done, or that at the end of it all, I walked away when I know deep down I should have been there for them to help them fix the situation. Yes, it’s a tough situation, it’s tough when there so much involved and so many feelings attached and busy schedules and complications, but it’s also life. It’s a learning experience, we grow from this and we become better people and we get stronger. Quitting isn’t an option, it makes people weak and in a way it just adds to that sense of failure. I want to look back at things and say I did the best I could in getting the job done and I took responsibility for things I helped cause regardless of how much it was my fault and i’m not going to be fake in doing it.

I always hope though to get through things though.  There’s always that part of that hopes we’ll get closure together, that in time we’ll both find out footing  in life when things are done. That this wasn’t one sided and that I know deep down I could count on that person to be there in my time of need when I needed them the most to deal with something together. I do hope, but I know sometimes hope isn’t what I need at this point. I know things are tough for everyone involved and we’re all at our wits end, but I know this person is stronger than they think and I know deep down they aren’t a quitter, that they see the job through. It’s what they’re known for. It’s just hard when words are said and actions are done, but I still believe and know they’re a good person even when sometimes it may feel like otherwise. I just hope I won’t be let down by them at the end of it all.  It would suck knowing that’s what it came down to.

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