Things I Wish To Say.

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It has been several months since everything unfolded. Although I realize that your journey has seemingly gone on without me, I honestly anticipated that by now, that you would have paused to reach out and provide something to help deal with everything and not just leaving me with questions and for the longest time, no closure.

Please un-brace yourself should you choose to read it, I don’t intend for what I wrote to be a rambling rant about what kind of a horrible person that you are, I feel the exact opposite and have opted, in fact, to be mostly positive here (at least I hope its perceived that way). I am anything except angry with you; incredibly disappointed, hurt and confused better describe the way I feel the best, especially with everything that’s happened lately. I’m sorry for my mistakes though and knowing that you were just as hurt, overwhelmed, and stressed at times.

I think about you often as there is much that prompts me to do so – it doesn’t take much to get reminders of you or things we did together, all good stuff that makes me smile and think fond thoughts, ones that will remain in my memories forever I hope. I really miss you a lot, especially on nights like tonight. The impact to my life has been nothing less than profound, especially given the level of emotional commitment that we had made when we were together.

I think about our first date and our poor choice of a serious movie because we were misled by the title, and our carriage ride travelling around Central Park due to an unexpected flight cancellation giving us an extra night to explore . I remember how calm it was that night, how sore our feet were from days of walking, and how I had that overwhelming warm feeling inside that made all my worries go away, and gave me butterflies where they remained for a long time. I knew right then that I was deeply in love with you and it marked a positive new beginning for me. It was 2 years of great memories of destinations, events, experiences, goals, dreams and even challenges and problems (they are a part of even the best relationships). I thanked God whenever I could for bringing you into my life as well as for many other blessings.

You were a special man to me (and you will always be), one in a million for sure and you made me feel special. There was a certain something about you; the way that you carried yourself…the way that you dressed…your scent….your touch….the feel of your hand in mine…..the feel of your touch on my lips…..holding you in my arms watching movies and drinking wine…..the way that you spoke….even the color of your eyes and hair that really  sustained me even when I had doubts about us, but it was there. Even those quirky things like getting food on your shirt, your laugh, terrible singing, and such. You were the most handsome man in the world to me and I would have sung that to you every day and never got sick of it if I had a better voice. I loved you deeply for you including the idiosyncrasies that we all have. Sorry that I did not tell you these things more frequently, not doing so is one of my take aways from this.

I enjoyed doing things and giving. It really was a pleasure to do things for you. It has not always been this way for me but it especially made me feel happy to know that I was doing something that was selfless for you. Just making you smile or being around you for the tiniest bit of time was worth it for me. The endless amounts of travelling was worth it, I would have flown around the world many times for you even if it was exhausting and expensive.  I REALLY felt rewarded with such efforts – it made me feel great to give. You gave to me as well and sometimes it was not stuff but your attention, your time (thanks for all that waiting while I was so far), your mental energy – I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that. I loved being by your side and I promised you I would always be there to pick you up no matter how tough or stressful things got. I wanted to be there for you.

Equally impressive to me was your wit and intelligence. It came in handy when you went were grinding through your bachelors degree and then now your MSc while trying to balance school, work, and me. This was a very impressive achievement that I used to brag about to people frequently. I also bragged about how tirelessly you worked in the lab and how goal oriented you were and how excited I was to watch you go for your dreams. I wanted to do anything I could to help you feel safe, loved, happy, and successful in what you were doing. Maybe I failed you. I don’t know, everything feels like a blur these days, like someone took my heart and shredded it. The feeling of being left behind, empty, replaced, or even forgotten fills me up at night. I don’t even think you realize how much I loved you, how much I would have done for you, how much I wanted to be there for you to get over these hurdles. I don’t even think at the time I realized how much I wanted that and now I look back and wish so hard I could fix things. But I have to keep telling myself I can’t go back and it hurts so bad to think about that. I wouldn’t be able to do it alone.

All of the places that we went to, things that we had done and seen were all special and interesting to me because you were there with me to experience them. I did these things TOGETHER with someone who meant a whole lot to me. Although there were things, plenty of things that I had issues with (they were all small and just not worth it to even mention) I had it in my heart to following you to the ends of the earth and stand in front of a train for you; my faith and loyalty non-negotiable. It’s almost quaint in this day and age.

Maybe part of the disconnect was that I never told you these things or that I never said them quite enough to you. Perhaps I should have tried to figure out a way to compel you to complain or even argue and just say what was on your mind. If that’s the case I accept the blame and I am sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. My intent was to make you feel like the prince that you were to me, you deserve it especially after so many challenges and let downs in your life, you are a remarkable man with whom I enjoyed two of the best years of my life.

So it came as a great surprise to me when you did what you did. The ‘how’ you did it that was so hurtful to me. You couldn’t even give me closure for months because you felt I couldn’t and wouldn’t understand you and when you did I found myself begging to understand why. People breakup for a variety of reasons all the time….sometimes , the reasons are not even really that rational. Maybe that’s ok. But breakups are typically presaged by complaint and tumult and an honest effort by both to address one another’s concerns and difficulties. This, of course, did not happen or at least it was not articulated.  You told me that you loved me, kissed me goodbye,  heck- just the weekend prior. The violation of trust and associated deception was so great the day you decided to just walk away so suddenly.

I am likewise confounded to understand what the associated anger was about.  I knew things were tough around this time for you trying to get everything together, but would it have been that difficult for you to bring up problems to be in the first place? Was it fair to do it with a less than adult-like conversation when we were apart? Then block me?

I know that right now you feel you have to do what you have to do.  I was prepared to do anything that I had to in order to provide for your security and your happiness, there was no privation that I wouldn’t consider to support you and give you my love unconditionally. Maybe I have been listening to too many ballads or watching too many movies, but I think that some of this kind of dedication is what has disappeared in our world…it’s too bad.

Part of me wants to forget about this episode and hold you, comfort you and support you; to be the one that believes in you, understands you and creates an environment for happiness and security. It’s tempting to me to do whatever I can in order to convince you that we need to be back together – to come home where you are wanted and exhaust every possibility to do so….but I am too exhausted from everything.

You DESERVE to be happy as we all strive to be even though life sometimes feels like sucking on a giant lemon. I hope that this experience prepares you for what’s next in your life so that you can enjoy its successes whether it be in work, relationships, or school. I think that in all fairness to the next one, you need to tell her specifically what happened in this relationship and with your others, its only fair she deserves the truth.

‘There is a lid for every pot’. I really believe that there is likely more than one. Timing is everything and maybe it just wasn’t right for us with everything going on in our lives and feeling like we’re not quite put together yet. I only wish that I could have been part of it. I will have the rest of my life to ponder what it would have been like…….you have no idea how it pains me to say this.

Most sincere and grateful thanks to you for two fantastic years. I’m so grateful to have had you (and the pleasure of knowing you family) in my life, despite the difficulties we’ve faced. I miss you and all them so much it really hurts….and the dog.