Sorry.

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What do you do when someones words speak different from their actions?

When they tell you they don’t care about you, your situation, or wanting to know what’s going on or having anything to do with you. But yet a few days later they want to know what’s going on and how things went. I get things come up in life (ex. sickness, work, school, personal emergencies), but it doesn’t take almost a day to at least ask how someone is doing.

If someone really cares, wouldn’t they make the effort to find a way to be there? Whether it be in person or at the very least a phone call to check in on someone. If this is such an important situation to understand what’s going on or knowing how someone is doing, wouldn’t you make an effort to find out? A text isn’t sufficient, especially when it seems like its out of convenience for their schedule. That’s the most impersonal way to communicate with someone. I’m not a bro and apparently not a friend anymore, the least I could have had for a situation like this is a phone call checking in on how i’m doing or what happened. But again, i’m not important.

Maybe I missed a memo along the way that says I owe it to someone to keep them updated when they choose to not be there. Yes, I chose to take some steps without them knowing they couldn’t be there physically, but even in the sense of checking in once in a while would have been nice when I was going through a tough personal moment, rather than waiting until the next day when i’m exhausted, sore, and stressed and expecting me to give updates like its nothing. I texted them early in the morning I was sorry in a moment of weakness because I was scared, empty, and in pain, like my insides were being ripped out and I didn’t want to leave things on a negative note in case something did happen. But after resting for a few days, why am I always the one apologizing? I realize I apologize for things that aren’t even my fault at times.

I’m trying to learn to stand my ground, something i’ve always been hesitant to do because I don’t like making people upset or causing trouble. But when it comes to the point where I constantly feel disappointed or uncomfortable to interact with someone because they assume i’m jealous, petty, or annoying then I’m not going to take it anymore. I get we’re all human, we make mistakes and say silly things in the heat of the moment but when i hand someone the opportunity to be there and to have a role and eventually get some closure and they refuse to take it or “use” me then i’m not going to take that anymore. I’m tired of crying over someone who seems like they couldn’t care less or make time for someone to figure things out together. I don’t owe someone an update when they tell me they couldn’t care less and will only help me to a certain extent that works for them. It’s supposed to be a moral responsibility to be there for someone, rather i’m made to feel like the annoying, spoiled, and demanding  inconvenience for asking someone to be there to do what they should be doing instinctively.

But they don’t see it like that. They think i’m choosing to stand my ground and not talking because they had something come up and they couldn’t devote time for it. I understand and I made some rash judgements and comments, but it’s not even about that. It’s about everything collectively that’s been said. Friday was the last straw for me. They chose to say they didn’t care, they didn’t want updates, and that I should find someone else to do what they should be doing for me. I didn’t ask for much and it’s not like all of what we have been through hasn’t been hard on me mentally, physically, and emotionally too. On some level I feel I’ve been forced to take care of me and to do the job myself. I’m choosing to not be weak, scared, and learning to not settle for less than I deserve. If I can’t feel supported by them, the only person strong enough to support myself is me. I’m left with no choice at this point.

I deserve respect at the very least, not someone telling me they had to fake being my friend or blaming me for what is and wad also an inconvenience for them, especially after everything we went through together. That you don’t just stop caring about someone just like that. I’d like to think they did care about me and my health at one point, but somewhere along the way they stopped and I have to learn to accept that as painful as it is.

As I’ve learned, if something or someone is important to someone they will make the time for them or they will find a way to be there for someone. When I see someone is need, the first thing I silently think to myself is how can I offer to help them. I wish I didn’t have to beg to have someone there, the one person who knew what was going on and had similar feelings to me.

Actions and words have repercussions. I can’t stand for something or be treated in a way that makes me feel worthless or disrespected regardless of if I still care about someone so deeply and want them to be apart of things so we can both have some form of closure. It pains me to have to feel like I need to shut them out, but I don’t know what else to do at this point. Maybe it’s harsh, I don’t know. All I know is i’m tired of fighting, i’m tired of begging, and i’m tired of being made out to seem like I don’t deserve any respect or support from someone because they don’t know what to do either. It seems like sometimes you can’t have what you need, even if it’s what you want in the moment.

If you’re reading this I’m sorry.

M