Where are you now?

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I’ve spent the last week feeling sick not only mentally but emotionally and physically. I am officially exhausted dealing with everything. On some level it makes me angry. Angry that someone who said that they cared about what was going on could simply walk away and dust their hands off just like that. That it doesn’t matter what i’m going through to them. I expected more fight from them, more insistence to be involved in some capacity, or even to fight for the ability to be more involved. But it always came down to the same things, “i’m too busy “, “i can’t deal with this”, “this is too hard for me”, or “find someone else to be there for you, i’m not that person in your life anymore”. Because nothing I do in my life has any importance at all because it’s “insignificant” in comparison to what they currently do.

I get I made choice to try to not have them involved because I was too tired of dealing with them and everything going on, but at points I did feel like I was treated as more of an inconvenience than anything despite the seriousness of the issue.

Sometimes I do wonder whether I even cross their mind like they cross mine at this point anymore. Apart of me doubts it, I mean it was apparently so easy for them to walk away and “feel the happiest they had been”. It didn’t seem like they even had to do a double take before moving on to someone else, regardless of where it stands.

All of this because happiness really comes down to who your with and not from within yourself (that’s sarcasm for the record). It hurts to be blamed for something like that. That it was so easy for them to point the finger to me that I was the “problem”, but they couldn’t look inwards and understand what was going on inside of them and preventing them from being more confident and happy. It also hurts to know everything that was said. At this point I don’t even know what to believe or what was just said to “help me move on”.  What was said in anger to spite me or what was actually meant. You spend  two years with someone and investing in everything emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and what did I walk away with? A broken and crushed heart.

It’s hard to not want to go back to how things once were. It’s not like you stop caring or loving someone just because their gone. I also have the problem where I question everything, what could I have done differently, what did I do wrong, or even how could things have been different if I had done this one thing. Maybe if I cared more, loved harder, encouraged them more, or made more effort to understand what was bothering them thoughts. How many times a day I stumble upon something that reminds me of them or of a happy memory we shared.

It makes me emotional because throughout our relationship it was always brought up how I was never there for this person during their time of transition (ex. going from their undergrad to their Master’s or times of high stress, or when they were sick or even when they were lonely).Yet, when I needed (and need) them most they weren’t there. They weren’t there when I was transitioning back into moving back home, when trying to submit the biggest paper of my life, trying to support me through transitioning into nursing or a new town, losing my two best friends, being more active and supportive for issues I/we had come up. I tried my best to always find a way to be there, trying to be more encouraging for them or trying to change around my schedule to accommodate theirs regardless of how busy I was.

It just kind of makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. It’s crazy how badly you can still miss someone regardless of what happened. It’s just been hard with everything that’s been going on in my life lately and to not even have them try to check in. It’s kind of unlike them in a way, but maybe people do change.

I simply wanted (and there’s a part of me that still wants to know) to know that they care. That despite everything that was said and done, my health and well-being mattered enough to them to put their emotions and ego to the side to check in on me. That regardless of where we stood, on some level I matter to them even if it wasn’t in the same capacity. But maybe I don’t though or maybe not enough for them to actually make the effort to at least try to be apart of things.