Today I finally was able to see a psychiatrist after waiting a couple months for this appointment. It’s really sad to think to gain access to such an important resource it takes booking months in advance to see one. To be honest, it was not what I had expected. Aside from taking my health history (#nursingstudentproblems), he didn’t do much talking aside from explaining what depression was and it’s causes and changing my medication to address both my depression and newly acquired anxiety. That evil gremlin that keeps me up at night, gives me racing thoughts, and makes me more depressed.
On a positive note, for the first time in a long time, I finally feel ready to go out and enjoy being around company. Even though it’s just dinner and a movie with a good friend who has been there for me through many things in life, it’s a big step for me after everything that’s happened the past few months. For once, I actually look forward to doing something and going out to enjoy myself regardless of how meaningless or insignificant it is to someone else.
It’s been tough struggling with my new found anxieties. On some level it hinders me from being able to participate fully in my life whether through social connections, work, and most especially school. To try to help control this, I’ve been slowly trying to get into the art of meditation. I think the one thing that can help me learn to cope with anxiety is being able to ground myself and control my breathing. After all, the one thing we can control is our breathing. The small steps. Breathe in and breathe out. I don’t want to live a life where I am relying on medication to help manage my symptoms. I feel like it would be completely redundant to do that because even though it helps “balance” certain neurotransmitters (namely serotonin and norepinephrine) .
It’s still a process though. I still have little motivation or energy to do anything really. Depression is basically just a vicious cycle. Being a person who is normally hardworking, gets results, and kicks ass to see myself become unmotivated, feeling worthless, and tired all the time takes a toll on things and my mood. Not being able to perform as well as I know I can in my first year of nursing school by having to post pone or defer things or participate in social functions because I couldn’t handle the emotions that come along with that. I wish there was an easier route but I know nothing in life comes easy and to get over something you have to get through it. It’s a journey to find yourself and live a life where you live for yourself and not the expectations of others.
On some level i’m looking forward to seeing 2016 end and starting a new chapter in 2017. But on another level it makes me sad to let go of 2016 and moving forward. It also kind of makes me sad to think about everything I lost in 2016 and how much I miss certain people that aren’t in my life anymore. The feelings I still hold for them and everything that’s happened has been something I still struggle with. I guess the only thing I can do is just take things one day at a time, there’s no use in continuing to fight myself or beat myself up for what did or didn’t happen or what I could and couldn’t control. It’s hard to let go though and it’s hard to stop myself from overthinking things in which I had little to no control over. As I said, one of the few things I can control is my breathing. When I get an anxious thought, just take a deep breath in and out, repeat.