For those close to me, many know the last few weeks have been bumpy for me. I have had plenty on my mind to think about and have sought the advice of those around me on how I have felt about a particular situation that’s been going on. Sometimes it really sucks to not only be intuitive but to also be empathic. I pick up on people’s thoughts and intentions really quickly, sometime to the extent I don’t even need to be in the same vicinity as them. I know for some that’s a completely weird concept to wrap their mind around, but I just can for some reason. Sometimes it becomes like a physical reaction, like when their anxious I all of a sudden feel panicked or feel like my chest is closing in, even if just a moment ago I was relaxed and enjoying whatever I was doing. I can also pick up on whether someone is feeling depressed because either my symptoms will all of a sudden worsen or again i’ll be minding my own business and then WHAM it hits me like a brick wall. Or if someone is feeling annoyed, I get this constant need to want to roll my eyes even if I have nothing going on in the moment. It’s also extremely hard for me to feel comfortable in busy places, there’s too much energy and noise for me so I often feel panicked or anxious when I do something like go shopping (ex. such as Christmas shopping).
I’m not sure when this all started but for the last 2-3 years it’s been consistently getting stronger. I mean to an extent I am a bit more sensitive emotionally than some, but at the same time I really do take in the emotions of others easily and I think that is what partially allows me to get along with people so easily. I tend to naturally block out negative vibes from people and become really open to people who express good intentions even if I barely know them. I think it’s also partially why I am always tired, I take in a lot of energy from people and have nowhere to place it, so it just sits inside of me. It’s been a consistent problem over the last few years and sadly there’s no medical evidence to support me having an illness or even imbalance of any chemical or hormone. My blood work always comes back normal. My diet is fine and I have a decent sleep schedule.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit more depressed than usual, even with a change in my anti-depressants I haven’t really noticed any major changes in my mood over the past couple weeks. So instead i’ve turned to writing to help me cope and understand how I am feeling. I don’t really care about how much I share normally because I think sometimes people are afraid to talk about how they feel out of fear others will judge them, but I enjoy being open and frank with people. Although, lately I have felt pressured and have since placed some posts on password protected partially because there are somethings I don’t want to get out, at least not right now because I feel conflicted on a few things and need some time to gather my thoughts and seek the support of those around me in order to gauge the best course of action for myself.
I started this blog as a way to not only have a space for me to write out my thoughts but also to allow people to see what the mind of a depressed person was like. I have no problem sharing my story or experiences because I know someone else out there is going through a similar experience. It’s so easy to feel alone when you feel so down and it’s comforting to know someone else out there has been through such a dark time and came out of it better than before. I think it’s also important to help show that depression doesn’t mean someone is lazy or unmotivated, it really can strike any race, class, or age grouping. As a future healthcare professional, namely that of a registered nurse, one of my goals is to encourage people to remember (including myself) we have no idea what battle someone else is fighting and we should lessen our judgments and increase our compassion.
Depression doesn’t define who I am and I know i’m stronger than it. On some level, I really believe that the universe give’s people challenges it thinks they can handle. Sometimes it may misjudge, but I think part of life if constantly try to grow not only as an individual but as a community. Depression takes a lot out of me both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have had to make a lot of adjustments at times in my life not only professionally but both academically and personally. I am quite lucky that I am surrounded by some many awesome, inspiring, and supportive people who have helped me get to where I am. But I know there are so many out there who may not be as fortunate and those are the people I have always aimed to reach because they are not alone and there are people like me constantly looking to be a good friend to anyone who may need one.
It made me really upset to hear about a friend who tried to commit suicide just a few short weeks ago. It made me reflect on my own thoughts and how only months ago I felt I wasn’t worthy enough to be here anymore. I still struggle some days, there are days when I don’t even have the energy to eat, let alone get out of bed and be productive. I know I am not lazy though and anyone close to me is also aware of that. I’ve always been highly productive and looking for opportunities to better myself but it really takes a lot out of me to sometimes be trapped in that mindset that I always have to be doing something. My depression can be like a vicious circle in when I don’t do anything I talk myself down and tell myself I am not worthy of anything good. I know that’s not true though and I have so much to look forward to in the coming years. I think part of what pushes me to keep going is the fact that I have so many people rooting for me. It motivates me when people like my academic counsellor reach out to remind me how much potential I have, how many doors will open for me in the coming years, and seeing my growth not only in school but on a personal level.
Lately, I’ve been practicing a lot of meditation and relaxation techniques and I have found it’s helped quite a bit. I’ve also been reading a lot both books on self-growth and novels, as well as trying to engage myself in current events. Hopefully the next few weeks will continue to show some improvement and i’ll be able to return to my high-functioning, motivated, and focused self.
I think for anyone trying to get a better understanding of an empath or even me in general, this article is a good place to start: http://themindunleashed.com/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html