Been feeling good about myself lately. The end of last year was such a wreck for me so it’s honestly refreshing to see myself going back to being me. The old positive, happy-go-lucky, and passionate person that disappeared after dealing with grief, heartbreak, and loss.
Slowly but surely I am getting there and man does it feel good. I missed myself so much. I’m not going to lie and say everyday is easy because that would be a lie. I still get the occasional panic or anxiety attack but I know i’m on the right track.
I know this time around my rise up will be much better than before. I already feel stronger than who I was a year ago. I know what i’m willing to put up with and settle for. I’m not going to put up with being made to feel insecure in a relationship, being cheated (both physically and emotionally) on and lied to repeatedly (“I have needs”, like please I have needs too, the need for you to be fucking honest), or being belittled at times because “mental illness doesn’t exist”. My happiness comes first and if someone doesn’t make me happy then they aren’t going to have the opportunity to be in my life. I’m not going to give someone else control over my emotions and feelings because I saw the devastation that happened in the aftermath. I’ve slowly learned to live and let go. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t care about certain people in my past, because I do, but i’ve learned you can love someone and not have to be with them and I deserve something built on respect, love, security, loyalty, and to feel supported in all my endeavours. Plus as i’ve learned and been told, history often repeats itself, especially for those with no real desire to change.
Relationships aren’t about expecting your partner to make you happy. No one can do that. Sure, you can be best friends with your partner, but if you are solely reliant on them (as i’ve experienced) then that is a huge problem. A problem not only for yourself but for your partner. It destroyed me both physically and financially being the bearer of someone else’s happiness. Things like “i’m lonely” and giving up my time that I should have been supported in enjoying my life experiences. I’m not going to settle for that anymore. We all have the ability to make choices and if someone can’t figure out how to deal with their emotions or dealing with things like loneliness when they have access to so many resources and supports then there’s not much I can do. You can’t tell me that I never felt lonely or isolated being 5,600km away from my closest family and friends. But I did something about it, I put myself out there and met some awesome people whether at school or in my complex. I never sought the need to make an excuse up to use something like Tinder in an “effort to meet new people,” “not be lonely,” or “get new experiences”. The fact that they didn’t see it as being wrong and still don’t is a huge issue in my eyes and it actually makes me quite sick.
I’ve learned to walk away. I should have walked away sooner, but I wanted to believe they could change. I didn’t have the balls to pull the trigger on something that was destroying me mentally and physically because deep down I was scared. It’s not easy to let go of someone you love and care about. Letting go of them means letting go of everything you have known for and loved for however long you were with them. Letting go of them meant letting go of their family too, the people you had grown to love and accept as your own and felt welcomed by. I was terrified of the big change and void it would leave inside of me. When you’re so used to them that you cannot picture yourself anymore with anyone else. It’s not easy, but looking back it was something I should have done for my own sanity and well-being.
I’ve decided to start showing myself some love again cause I really didn’t like myself for a while. Taking action into my own hands has been liberating. I’ve actually started to deal with my issues both mentally and physically. After a random panic attack last week, I took action and started talk therapy again. Through the whole session I balled my eyes out pouring out everything I felt and the events that went on last year that haunted me. By the end of the hour session I felt freaking empowered breaking things down with my counsellor and reflecting upon things. I gave someone else the control to dictate how I felt about myself and it nearly destroyed me but looking at the big picture I did what I could and there’s nothing I regret about what happened. I feel released finally.
I have had to learn to forgive on my own. While I don’t necessarily feel the need to let someone off the hook for things that happened, I’ve decided to free myself from the negative energy that binded me to them. Even though there are still days when I wish I could rewind time and change some things that happened in the past, i’ve learned that there’s a reason why hindsight is 20/20. In all honesty, where i’m headed going forward is much more important and exciting than what it is I left behind.
While this has all been going on, i’ve met certain people that have opened my eyes to what it’s like to be respected. To be emotionally supported and though they can’t necessarily understand what i’m going through with depression and anxiety, they legitimately try to understand. It feels refreshing to laugh from my heart again and to have supports around me. To be surrounded by people who know what they want in life and have a positive outlook. I finally feel motivated again. That I don’t have to settle in order to make someone else happy. I can be true to myself and the goals I set and want to set for myself and feel supported in that.
It’s honestly such good feeling to know that no matter what goes on in my life I can pick myself up again and I don’t need someone else to dictate how I feel about myself.
I finally can write this post in a calm tone with no offence or hurt intended. I’ve really grown a lot in the last few months and I’m so incredibly glad and it’s even more enlightening when other people point it out to me and remind me of how far i’ve come. I can finally say that I am content with how things are and how things look going forward.
“Never give into another’s anger. Their emotions are not a reflection of your actions. It’s a reflection of their own bitterness, fear, anxiety and rage. To give attention to such behaviour is much like giving a child a reward for throwing a tantrum. Treat yourself with more respect than you are being given at that moment. Your choice, your actions, your life.” – S.A.O. (Walk Away)