Normally, I don’t post two personal posts on the same day. I like to save content and space things out but I felt this warranted it’s own post. I’ve been doing a ton of reflecting the past few months over a lot of things that have happened over the past year or so. The people who have come into or left my life.
I’ve reached out to people I haven’t talked in months and had enjoyable conversations. But importantly I feel inspired and loved by some of the people I have reconnected with. Many of those people know about my battle with depression and have been supportive of my struggles to find my balance. I was reminded of my worth and that I should never feel like I have to settle for nickels when i’m a dime. As funny as that sounds, I needed to hear that because for some time I felt I was powerless.
So, in all of my deep-hearted misery, in all of my crying, anger and frustration, I turned to the last person I’d ever had anticipated talking to today. I was able to talk endlessly to someone who knew important pieces of what went on because they too experienced hurt and could relate to all my pain and weakness. I had no idea what to expect or how this person would react to hear from me, but i’m glad I followed my intuition and did it because they also felt the same way and were thankful I took the time to reach out and talk about what actually happened.
Honestly, I feel on some level I was able to tie up a lose end that had formed at the hands of someone else. It was nice to bond over something that had been an issue in the past. We were both hurt, betrayed, lied to, and manipulated on some level. They were able to confirm some things that had happened for me and some things that didn’t. They gave me encouragement and insight into how things unfolded. But they were also genuine in expressing their disdain, misunderstanding, and hurt for something they didn’t exactly ask to be brought into. It made me question a lot of the things that happened and the things I believed or wanted to believe were true at the time and what I wanted to have happen. The things I would tell myself and others to somehow make things okay or to rationalize something that should not have been tolerated by anyone. To hear it from their own mouth kind of helped to open my eyes to everything and it wasn’t how I thought it was.
It was nice to talk to the other person for a change. To get their side of the story and to understand that why I feel the way I do is completely acceptable because on some level they too had been hurt by the same person. To understand why they said something to another person when they were hurt and confused by what happened. At the time I was convinced they were jealous, that they were the one in the wrong, and they were mean. But in all honesty they were completely right (even though they felt differently looking back) in saying what they said to the person because it’s true. They were not a good person or who they said they were to them and on some level looking back in hindsight I feel the same way.
I think the conversation was something we both needed to get off our chest on some level. It was nice to share some of our favourite quotes that described being that “what people think of you is a reflection of them, not you.” Something that was applicable to our situation. Talking to them helped me because for once I felt my feelings were validated about what happened that I am not crazy. Hearing that my feelings and confusions were and are completely legitimate was by far one of the best feelings in the world, especially from someone who was part of the narrative at one point in time.
I’m proud of myself for taking a leap of faith in doing what I felt was best. To apologize for my part in things even though I didn’t cause something to happen. It’s even nicer when you make a new friend and someone who was able to reflect on things in hindsight.
At the end of the day, this person taught me that my feelings over what happened need no justification beyond the fact that I truly felt and am feeling them. I was brutally hurt and let down, and it will take me time to heal. I’m human and I am not afraid to deal with my emotions, feelings, and demons. I’m excited for the upcoming changes in my life. I love myself and everything I stand for because I have a big heart that I hope I can use to help change the world someday. But in order for me to get there, I need to find a way to take care of me and find the closure I seek. It was nice to talk to some that understood where I was coming from and just talk. I’m really grateful this person gave me some time out of their day to talk to me about something that had happened in the past.