It’s been an eventful year to say the least. It’s also crazy to think about the mental/emotional place I was this time last year and to see where I am today.
Last year I was broke, riddled with anxiety and depression, and unsure of where I was going in life. Today I am confident, happy, and motivated to stay on the journey I have found myself on. I have tried to live 2017 to the fullest- I mean this in every way possible. I experienced joy, love, adventure, and great blessings with my entire soul. Even in the most difficult moments, there was such vivid, tangible joy to be found at the end of it all. Yet I also experienced and processed the remnants of sorrow & heartbreak more deeply and completely than I ever had before. I dwelled in and reflected on my brokenness almost daily, filled with gratitude at times and frustration and sadness at others.
I think of of the things i’ve had to adjust to the most this year was understanding that the world does not stop moving because you are mourning. I dealt with the ending of a very special relationship last year and watched everything unravel in ways that still hurt my soul. There were many mornings that I lay in bed, wishing that I could have all the time and space in the world to wallow in sorrow. What got me off my butt was knowing that there were classes to attend, patients to care for, friends and family to love, goals to achieve. Even thought it felt like the pain would never end. Even with its storms. Even with its darkness. Even with its tragedies. I learned life was and has been worth living. Slowly I felt a shift somewhere inside of me and while I don’t know where it came from I think it stemmed from a yearning to grow and become a better person. Even though I still struggle with the end of this significant relationship, my heart has pushed me to just keeping GOING but I don’t know where, exactly, or how my journey will unfold, and that’s not a bad thing.
Although I sometimes still struggle with my anxiety, PTSD, and depression from the events and get triggered by certain situations, I have been mindful in making sure I listen to my body and seek help when needed. Despite having a couple setbacks this term (depression recurrence and a car accident) I have so far been successful in my courses despite thinking otherwise. Hopefully I will be able to carry this momentum into my pharmacology and pathophysiology finals.
Aside from a few setbacks, it is with great delight that I can say I was successful not only in completing my Master’s degree at a top institution (something i dreamed of as a young kid when I visited Harvard) but with a classification of a Merit. To be honest, after having put aside my degree for a year to recover, I never thought I would be able to finish it. But this summer I busted my butt to not only complete my online physiology course while also working full-time, but also working to finish my dissertation (the last coursework to finish off my degree). I’m excited to see where this chapter will take me when I reopen it in a few years time and enter the nursing profession.
Although the news makes me happy, I know I still have a long journey to finish. Nursing school has been chaotic to say the least over the past few months. Unfortunately with my luck, I was impacted by the longest post-secondary strike in Ontario’s history (lucky me!). This means while I was only half impacted, I still have to deal with a condensed term. It’s been quite a stressful adjustment knowing i’ll have to do assignments, reflections, exams, and attend clinical over the exam period and lose out on an extended holiday season. But I guess it’s part of the journey and while life often throws curveballs I realize I am fortunate in having a great support system put in place to help me when needed.
In general, life is not always good, but as I always say to myself– there is so much joy to be found. I am truly blessed beyond words and I am thankful for how my life has been changed in the past year!
So I finish with these words having been able to finish the year on a high note: In gratitude, we manifest abundance.