For once I thought things were taking a turn for the better, that I was finally starting to turn a new page and learning to let things ago with everything that’s happened over the past few months. I finally had the energy to go out and do something for me, a simple movie date with one of my oldest friends. A chance to relax and let my brain focus on anything but him, our situation, and school.
Instead as soon as I got to the theatre obviously things had taken a turn. Of course, my ex would walk in on a double date and sit not to far from where I was. That all those times he couldn’t make time to help me through a situation we both should have been dealing with and finished together, he was fully able to make time for a date. It was upsetting to see everything play out the way it did in front of me. But I think as much as it did hurt to see him moving on with someone else (when I was told differently by them) and canoodling in public, I obviously wanted to know he was happy and healthy, regardless of the fact it wasn’t with me. But it would be a lie to say it didn’t sting with everything that happened between him and I over the past few months. It just makes me sad to think about everything he had once promised me or said to reassure me and how things have largely turned out opposite of that. That how much of it was truth and how much of it was lies.
To be honest, I had been thinking about him lately, especially at night he would cross my mind thinking about how when I really needed him to be there for me he wasn’t, all the things that were said both good and the bad, but that most of all I missed him and I wondered what he was up to and if I even remotely crossed his mind as much as he crossed mine. It came in waves, somedays he would constantly run through my mind with things that reminded me of him, stupid things we did, and places we had been to or said we wanted to go to. Other days I would go on with my life and be able to focus on things. There was even a couple weeks where he barely crossed my mind at all, then as soon as I was slowly able to move on to other areas in my life, it would be like a torpedo of emotions and thoughts swallowing my mind.
I sat through the whole movie fighting with myself whether I should even bother to say anything. That after a month of not even hearing a peep from him, it was clearly he gave 0 fucks about me and what was supposed to be “our” problem. But then on the other hand, I figured I didn’t have much to lose because him being around close friends would likely not make for much fuss. That after all our conversations, relationship history, and interactions things would be neutral at worst and it would give me a chance to speak in person knowing I had his attention rather than in the past where I would e-mail or text to be ignored more than half the time. That maybe I would say an awkward at best hello to his group and be able to go somewhere quiet to talk. I thought that after our last conversation where he said he “obviously” cared he would want to even take a moment to ask how I had been or how things went. Instead as he walked by me he ignored me as I called his name. I decided to approach him to ask if we could speak privately for a moment. Instead I was told to “fuck off” and poked in the chest, that “I don’t want you in my life anymore”, that I didn’t consider everything in their life to be important, that somehow i’m a “stalker” for choosing to go out to watch a movie they were at, or that I shouldn’t have approached them in person and e-mailed them instead (when I have done in the past to be ignored or berated). That he would approach my friend (after telling me I shouldn’t have done things in front of his) and ask her to tell me to leave him alone, when I didn’t even try to reach out to him because not only did I want to give him and me some space because I knew how much it weighed on him and how it was putting a strain on the both of us, but that I thought he would at least reach out to see if I was even remotely okay or able to take care of things. Instead we were left at the theatre fighting and talking to one another like idiots.
Maybe I was wrong to approach him like that, but on the opposite end I had no intention of bringing ill will to anyone or creating drama. Of course i’m always wrong though apparently and of course i’m the reason why they were never happy, why they never “loved” me, why they were smoking/drinking/ more aggressive, or how because of everything they ate poorly or slept little, why everything around them was crashing (school, experiments, social connections, social events). It’s always my fault. All I really wanted out of everything was to fucking know they even remotely care about what we went through and what I had to go through, alone much of the time. I wanted to have a chance to speak privately for a moment about talking about what happened and why they did and have a chance to sit down in person and talk about things. I spent a month wondering why I was left to deal with everything on my own, when we promised things would be different that we would get through it together and I could trust him to be there for me because he knew what I was going through. I had no intention of making things so negative though, I didn’t think a rational person would react in such a irrational way. That I could fucking have the courtesy of sitting down in persona trying to understand things and gain closure to hopefully start 2017 on a fresh note.
Instead i’m left to wonder what changed. What did I do to be treated so poorly, let alone in front of others? As soon as I got home I broke down as pathetic as that sounds. I couldn’t even focus driving home and to had to pull over and get driven by my friend because I was so confused and distraught. It still makes me really upset to think about everything that happened yesterday. I do feel bad and want to apologize for what happened. I didn’t expect any of that to unfold the way that it did especially in front of people we both knew and strangers. But then apart of me can’t say that I regret that because if I didn’t say anything I knew I would have regrets and wonder.
To be honest there’s a part of me that knows what I want out of everything. I want to understand, I want a sincere apology, his undivided attention when having a conversation and the old him back. The guy I fell in love with and considered my best friend. The guy who never backed away from challenge or left someone out in the cold. The man who loved me for me and did everything he could to be there for me or make me happy. The guy who was crazy about me driving insane distances whether to just see me for a bit or take care of me when I was sick. The sensitive guy who made mistakes and when he was was scared, stressed, or nervous but did his best and got things done. Instead I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore or understand the person he’s become. The person he’s become is not who he really is.
I’ve spent the whole night and day reflecting on everything that’s happened and I still have no answers, clarity, or understanding of things. I wanted to know someone else felt the same way, that I wasn’t supposed to be alone through all of this but instead i’m left to feel like I was and am. Instead i’m left to once again e-mail him to arrange a date to talk about thing, back to square 1.