For once I thought things were taking a turn for the better, that I was finally starting to turn a new page and learning to let things ago with everything that’s happened over the past few months. I finally had the energy to go out and do something for me, a simple movie date with one of my oldest friends. A chance to relax and let my brain focus on anything but him, our situation, and school.

Instead as soon as I got to the theatre obviously things had taken a turn. Of course, my ex would walk in on a double date and sit not to far from where I was. That all those times he couldn’t make time to help me through a situation we both should have been dealing with and finished together, he was fully able to make time for a date. It was upsetting to see everything play out the way it did in front of me. But I think as much as it did hurt to see him moving on with someone else (when I was told differently by them) and canoodling in public, I obviously wanted to know he was happy and healthy, regardless of the fact it wasn’t with me. But it would be a lie to say it didn’t sting with everything that happened between him and I over the past few months.  It just makes me sad to think about everything he had once promised me or said to reassure me and how things have largely turned out opposite of that. That how much of it was truth and how much of it was lies.

To be honest, I had been thinking about him lately, especially at night he would cross my mind thinking about how when I really needed him to be there for me he wasn’t, all the things that were said both good and the bad, but that most of all I missed him and I wondered what he was up to and if I even remotely crossed his mind as much as he crossed mine. It came in waves, somedays he would constantly run through my mind with things that reminded me of him, stupid things we did, and places we had been to or said we wanted to go to. Other days I would go on with my life and be able to focus on things. There was even a couple weeks where he barely crossed my mind at all, then as soon as I was slowly able to move on to other areas in my life, it would be like a torpedo of emotions and thoughts swallowing my mind.

I sat through the whole movie fighting with myself whether I should even bother to say anything. That after a month of not even hearing a peep from him, it was clearly he gave 0 fucks about me and what was supposed to be “our” problem. But then on the other hand, I figured I didn’t have much to lose because him being around close friends would likely not make for much fuss. That after all our conversations, relationship history, and interactions things would be neutral at worst and it would give me a chance to speak in person knowing I had his attention rather than in the past where I would e-mail or text to be ignored more than half the time. That maybe I would say an awkward at best hello to his group and be able to go somewhere quiet to talk. I thought that after our last conversation where he said he “obviously” cared he would want to even take a moment to ask how I had been or how things went. Instead as he walked by me he ignored me as I called his name. I decided to approach him to ask if we could speak privately for a moment. Instead I was told to “fuck off” and poked in the chest, that “I don’t want you in my life anymore”, that I didn’t consider everything in their life to be important, that somehow i’m a “stalker” for choosing to go out to watch a movie they were at, or that I shouldn’t have approached them in person and e-mailed them instead (when I have done in the past to be ignored or berated). That he would approach my friend (after telling me I shouldn’t have done things in front of his) and ask her to tell me to leave him alone, when I didn’t even try to reach out to him because not only did I want to give him and me some space because I knew how much it weighed on him and how it was putting a strain on the both of us, but that I thought he would at least reach out to see if I was even remotely okay or able to take care of things. Instead we were left at the theatre fighting and talking to one another like idiots.

Maybe I was wrong to approach him like that, but on the opposite end I had no intention of bringing ill will to anyone or creating drama. Of course i’m always wrong though apparently and of course i’m the reason why they were never happy, why they never “loved” me, why they were smoking/drinking/ more aggressive, or how because of everything they ate poorly or slept little, why everything around them was crashing (school, experiments, social connections, social events). It’s always my fault. All I really wanted out of everything was to fucking know they even remotely care about what we went through and what I had to go through, alone much of the time. I wanted to have a chance to speak privately for a moment about talking about what happened and why they did and have a chance to sit down in person and talk about things. I spent a month wondering why I was left to deal with everything on my own, when we promised things would be different that we would get through it together and I could trust him to be there for me because he knew what I was going through. I had no intention of making things so negative though, I didn’t think a rational person would react in such a irrational way. That I could fucking have the courtesy of sitting down in persona trying to understand things and gain closure to hopefully start 2017 on a fresh note.

Instead i’m left to wonder what changed. What did I do to be treated so poorly, let alone in front of others? As soon as I got home I broke down as pathetic as that sounds. I couldn’t even focus driving home and to had to pull over and get driven by my friend because I was so confused and distraught. It still makes me really upset to think about everything that happened yesterday.  I do feel bad and want to apologize for what happened. I didn’t expect any of that to unfold the way that it did especially in front of people we both knew and strangers. But then apart of me can’t say that I regret that because if I didn’t say anything I knew I would have regrets and wonder.

To be honest there’s a part of me that knows what I want out of everything. I want to understand, I want a sincere apology, his undivided attention when having a conversation and the old him back. The guy I fell in love with and considered my best friend. The guy who never backed away from challenge or left someone out in the cold. The man who loved me for me and did everything he could to be there for me or make me happy. The guy who was crazy about me driving insane distances whether to just see me for a bit or take care of me when I was sick. The sensitive guy who made mistakes and when he was was scared, stressed, or nervous but did his best and got things done. Instead I feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore or understand the person he’s become. The person he’s become is not who he really is.

I’ve spent the whole night and day reflecting on everything that’s happened and I still have no answers, clarity, or understanding of things. I wanted to know someone else felt the same way, that I wasn’t supposed to be alone through all of this but instead i’m left to feel like I was and am. Instead i’m left to once again e-mail him to arrange a date to talk about thing, back to square 1.


The Blues.


I don’t know why i’m feeling so blue today. Maybe blue isn’t the right word, I guess i’m just feeling exceptionally down and anxious for a combination of factors I have yet to understand. I guess to put it in more understandable terms, i’m feeling a 4.5/10 today, with 10 being extremely happy.

I’m not even sure when I began to feel this way, it’s been building up over the past week or two and today it’s reached a peak. It’s exhausting feeling this way and it’s hard to force a smile when you feel so pained. Yesterday was supposed to be an enjoyable evening at the Christmas Law Party, but yet my anxieties and mood got the better of me. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when you feel this way or feel connected to people when you don’t even feel connected to yourself.

Maybe it’s the stress from school and how I planned to accomplish so much before I flew home for Christmas break, and yet have accomplished not a whole lot. Or maybe it’s the stress of being far from loved ones and how my decision to study overseas has impacted them and how I miss them. Maybe it’s the stresses of the unknown and how in a few months i’ll have to set myself up to enter the workforce or that fact that it’s been hard to find the motivation to work. Maybe it’s the fact that every time I take my anti-depressant pill I feel incredibly nauseous and unable to do anything. But it could also be the fact that i’ve had the worst sleeps over the past month, only able to fall asleep at 4 am.

I feel trapped by my own thoughts. I feel confused. I just don’t see the light today and I don’t know why.

There’s always tomorrow though.

– M

The Two Year Mark


To be honest I’m not quite sure how I want to start off this entry. There have been so many times in the past few weeks that I have tossed and turned in bed wanting to write out the thoughts running through my mind, but yet I tried to hush these thoughts in an effort to help me fall asleep. I wanted to make a post today though, I think two years is a pretty significant mark, my journey is still ongoing and every year is a sign of (hopeful) progress. It also makes me realize how much of a process this is in healing. It’s so strange to think that I was diagnosed two years ago today, sitting in the doctor’s office crying not understanding why I felt so sad, anxious, and depleted.

For those of you who may be joining my adventure for the first time let me catch you up. I was diagnosed with a severe major depressive disorder in December of 2013 after suffering silently for many years. Many would have described me as happy, involved, and always with a cheery smile on my face, but the truth was I was suffering alone and silently. This blog has really been my small effort to bring attention to the fact mental illness can happen to anyone, i’m sure more people close to me would never have guessed the pain that I felt deep inside was tearing me apart. I want to be part of the conversation. I want to play my small part in bringing attention to mental health, to open the conversation and help others silently suffering to feel strong enough to embrace seeking help.  This blog or post is NOT to seek your pity, but instead ask for your hand to join me in this effort in removing the stigma that surrounds this illness. Pity is for the weak. Having a mental illness does NOT make you weak, in fact it makes you strong in hanging in there and fighting for the happiness and normalcy that once encompassed your life.

This year has been an incredible whirlwind of events. Starting off the new year celebrating in Venice in a relatively new relationship and finishing off the year studying for my master’s at King’s College London.

I can’t quite pinpoint how I feel and in someways I find that to be disappointing. The past four months have been an incredible roller coaster of emotions. Aside from the normal stressed of school the beginning/middle of the year was relatively uneventful. I would say that I was generally happy and content with where I was sitting in life. It felt good to wrap up my time at Western and see myself once again on the Dean’s List, compared to the year before where I really struggled to push myself to finish the school year. It was also incredible seeing my hard work  for the past four years see me walk across the stage in my graduation gown in front of my proud loved ones in June.

Now we move to September and the big move to the (real) city of London. To be perfectly honest, it was a lot harder on me emotionally then I thought it was going to be to move so far from home (leaving loved ones behind) and not know anyone. On the surface it looked like everything was great and cheery, but deep down inside I had never felt more scared, vulnerable, or alone. I spent many nights alone in my room crying and lying in bed not knowing how I would be able to push myself to get out and  enjoy my time here. Not only was not knowing anyone incredibly difficult for me, but the course work, particularly for ethics, was incredibly hard to grasp, leaving me to feel all the more hopeless. I can honestly say that’s the lowest i’ve felt in the past year and a half. If it hadn’t been for my parents, sister, or boyfriend pushing me through those first few weeks here I don’t know what I would have done. I won’t lie, there were a few times where I did consider ending it all (not that I would actively pursue it) to take the “easy” way out, but I could never find the will to do it (a) because it seemed to easy (b) it would be hard on those who actively care about me (c) i can’t give up.

To push myself, I sought counselling while i’ve bee here and it’s helped quite a bit in finding my grounding. It’s fantastic knowing that there are always resources that can be sought, whether from your school, many workplaces, and even free mental health group therapy sessions. I would be more than willing to sit down with you and help you figure out what steps you can take and I would applaud you for taking such a positive, proactive, and inspiring step in working to get better.

Yet over time things got better. I’ve met some of the most incredible and inspiring people pursuing my master’s at a top university. I’ve had the opportunity to travel (very briefly) to some interesting places, and i’ve begun to learn an incredible amount not only from my course work, but from all those around me. I still have my moments where I feel weak, largely around the weight that I put (back) on over the past year lowering my confidence, but I’ve come to terms that I can work to achieve that, just like I can work to be happy and make a positive change in my thinking. The first few months here saw a bit of a set back in my studying, sleep, and work habits, but I strive to do a be better and will continue to push myself to be the best I can be.

I guess I would say I feel more anxious finishing off this year compared to feeling depressed. I would say a lot of this comes from the fact that I don’t know what the future has in store for me and this unknown scares me. It’s scary to be on the verge of leaving school, the safe cocoon that it is. There is so much I want to do in this world and it’s been incredibly difficult to come to the acceptance that it’s not possible to learn or do it all. It will be interesting to see where I find myself next year when I finish my master’s.

I want to finish off this post with a video a dear friend of mine shared recently with me, reminding me of how I felt when I explained the diagnosis to my mom for the first time. Please take a few minutes to watch this incredibly powerful and inspiring video of how many of us feel when opening up to loved ones about depression.

If you ever feel alone, know that I am always willing to lend a helping hand, open heart, and listening ear. Mental illness is no joke. I don’t lie about how I feel, I don’t want to lie in bed and miss out on life, but sometimes with depression I can’t help it. It’s not an excuse, I work hard to get involved and be proactive, but it’s by no means easy. There’s a difference between being lazy and being depressed. I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone, it’s a terrible life-draining shadow that follows you around. It’s real and it likely affects quite a number people you care about, whether you know it or not.

My motto: “Hard work pays off”. There’s a reason why I won the “Perseverance” award in grade 8 (luls, my attempt to be funny).

I  want to bring attention to mental health. That’s the goal I seek to achieve. I encourage you to join me in removing the stigma from mental health. It’s as simple as asking someone you love “How are you today?”.



Hello again, It’s been awhile. I must say quite a few life changes have happened over the past few months. I am now officially a graduate from Western. It’s bittersweet really, a lot of tears, sweat, and  love went into making this opportunity even possible. It’s quite frightening how fast four years passes, and it gives me even more anxiety to even think about what the future has in store for me. Even more so, the thought of having to pay off debt and find a stable job seems to me the most worrisome for me these days. It’s also scary to have to start over and say bye to all the friends i’ve made over the years at Western. In the fall, i will be attending Graduate school in the U.K., which is where many of my worries stem from. As much as I am excited to embark on a new journey, it’s incredibly frightening to move half way across the world. It will also be hard leaving behind my boyfriend, whom i’ve been dating for awhile. I’m not sure how we will manage not only being a 7 hour flight away, but also having a five hour time difference. It’ll be hard to juggle everything, but I’m always up for the challenge of trying to make things work. I guess our first real test of the whole long-distance relationship thing comes this summer, when he goes up to Northern Ontario to work. To put it in perspective, it’s about a ten hour drive from where I live. As much as I would like to believe him when he says he’ll drive back when he has one week breaks, there’s always a small part of me that doubts it. Namely, because he hates driving in the Toronto area and also that fact that its a ten hour drive (one way!). Aside from my boyfriend’s work, I will also be balancing my own summer job. I dread waking up at 5:15 every morning and getting home at the earliest for 6. It’s incredibly stressful barely getting enough sleep on the daily with going to bed at 10:30 the earliest I can get into bed comfortably. I also wanted to be proactive and get fit this summer doing crossfit. I need the challenge of working as a group, I really can’t get into the whole groove of working out at the gym solo on the treadmill or lifting weights. I guess a lot of where my depression has been sneaking back related to the fact that I have gained roughly 30 pounds over the past 8 months. It’s really affected how I feel about my self and what others would possibly think of my weight gain. I know I lost a lot of weight when I battled depression, but it has affected my self-esteem quite a bit over the past few months. There was a really cool hashtag on Twitter that I came across a few days ago trying to raise awareness for mental health called #iwishmyfriendknew. It brought up a lot of feelings for me surrounding my own battle with depression. I won’t lie I feel a lot better than when I was at my worst, but some days I feel it slowly creeping back into my mood. I become more irritable, quite, and seem to lack the ability to feel emotion or attachment. It still haunts me, and sometimes I feel like it will always be the shadow that lingers in my life. But one thing I did wish my friends would understand relates to the fact that I am not ashamed of what I have been through and I wish they didn’t always feel the need to watch what they have to say when it comes to mental health. I can tell that even though I have been incredibly open with what I have gone through in hopes of advocating for the many of us hiding, that there is still a sense of depression still being a rather “taboo” topic for my own generation. I realize too that I am not always as open as I would like to be. It’s hard wanting to open up and talk about how I really feel, particularly when I feel empty. I find it much easier to write about and gather my thoughts, than to have to spill it all out at once and being prodded with 500 questions about why I feel that way, or what else is bothering me. I want to just take things at my own pace. I hope everyone has been well the past few months, I always strive to keep my blog updated but its so hard balancing school. I was incredibly busy over the past few months trying to finish all my assignments and graduate schools applications. Hopefully I will hear some more good news over the next month or so. I have been accepted to both King’s College London and The University of Edinburgh, which is quite exciting! However, there are still a few more school’s I am waiting to hear from, which I am anxious to hear back for. Talk to you all soon. Cheers, M

The happiness project.

Decided to take on a new project today while roaming around my school’s bookstore. I randomly came across the journal section and stumbled upon a journal called “The Happiness Project”. Essentially, it is a 5 year journal, where you only write one sentence a day. It’ll be cool once the journal is finished as it will have captured my life for the past five years and reflect on what’s changed. In the end I will have written one sentence for 365 days, and captured 1,825 moments or thoughts. I think its pretty neat, and it was only 20 dollars for this awesome journal. It’s also a well-known book authored by Gretchen Rubin, although I haven’t had a chance to read it, but picking up this journal gives me the urge to run to the bookstore and pick it up. If anyone wants to join my in this initiative, feel free 🙂

Below is an example of what the journal looks like (I didn’t take the picture), there’s one line for each year and every page is a new day. It’s refreshing how there’s a quote at the top of each page. The quote for today’s date is “There are no new truths, but only truths that have not been recognized by those who have perceived them without noticing”- Mary McCarthy

five years time

Aside from my new project, I feel so relieved to finally be done the terms and finished all my exams. I am utterly relieved to be going home tomorrow to relax for the next week and hopefully get in a few nights of good sleep. I’m getting more excited to embark on my European adventure after Christmas, but slightly anxious about getting everything ready and getting to the airport- Canadian winters, my dear friends. I’m overly excited to go home and see my dogs again, eat lot’s of home cooked food, and see my loved ones.

Here’s a picture of my last day of studying for my anatomy exam! Glad to be done 😉



The One Year Mark

It’s been one year since that fateful day where I decided to seek help for what I was struggling with. It’s scary to realize how fast time flies and how much has changed in that one year. I’ve begun to find that happy place where I was once and have gotten back to being passionate about many things I was once passionate about.  I have reached a much better place than where I was last year at this time and it’s largely thanks to those who stuck by me during those dark times. I now have control over my life and have been able to live my life to the fullest over the past twelve months. Now when I have one bad day, they are still better than my best days combined before I sought treatment.

Although I can happily say that I am in a much better place now, I am not afraid to admit that I still have my struggles. Even though I have many more happy days, I still see some dark days. It’s still an odd feeling to me, it’s almost like feeling devoid of emotion, empty of feelings that you feel sad to not be able to feel. I’ve been able to love again, love all the people who have come into my life and made an effort to be there. But I have also learned how to mourn again, seeing some people walk in and out of my life or sadly pass away. Let it be known that antidepressants, self-talking, and months of therapy have helped to get me to where I am today. Therapy has been a wonderful component of my journey of recovering and it has allowed me to gan a different perspective, after being so lost in my own thoughts and despair.

This year has seen some pretty notable people brining attention to the realm of mental health, particularly those struggling with a major depressive disorder. Starting off with the death of Robin Williams in August, highlighting the prevalence of depression and the importance of seeking treatments. It was almost a wake up call in the sense, showcasing the hold depression has on people, regardless of their age, socio-economic boundary or even colour. Mental health disorders affects everyone and it’s sad to think that there’s still stigma around a disorder that affects so many people. On a more positive note, there way Canadian Olympian Clara Hughes riding across Canada to bring awareness in local communities about the effects of mental health and helping Bell’s Let’s Talk” campaign. It’s heartwarming to see someone who has struggled through something so dark, being able to shed positivity and inspire all Canadians to erase stigma. Erasing stigma is possible  but it will take each and every one of us to accomplish this goal.

Its a scary thought to think that by 2030, the World Health Organization predicts that depression will be the world’s leading cause of death and disability- outpacing cancer, stroke, war, and accidents. What’s even more eye opening is that fact that 1 in 5 Canadians are estimated to be struggling with mental illness.

I appreciate all those who came up to me with their own stories of having gone through their own struggles and messages that in time things will get better. I also appreciate those who have come up to me over time and confided in my with their current struggles, know that you are never alone. I hope that through our talks I have somehow helped you all find your way with getting to that happy place. For those people still battling in silence, I know your pain and know that there are people that love and care about you. Have compassion in yourself, and believe that things will be better, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that they will. Find the courage to open up to someone you trust, this battle isn’t meant to be fought alone  and know that it is completely controllable. Know that help starts with you, it’s starts with acceptance of knowing something doesn’t feel right and that you need help to feel strong again. For those of you looking to open up, know that I am here for you and I hope I can help guide you in a direction where I can help remove some of the stigma you may feel and help you seek help with all that is available to treat it.

Having depression doesn’t make me weak, it makes me strong. It’s something i’m constantly working on and it’s something I want to share with others because I know I am never alone in this battle. I now know that I didn’t elect to get into this situation, and I should never have to feel that way about what I went through and still go through. Depression is NOT okay, but know that it’s okay to go out and get help either from a confidant or a professional.

It’s been a constant journey and I appreciate each and everyone of you that have come along for my journey of healing. For those just entering my life, I welcome you to join me in helping to end the stigma surround mental health. All of our voice combined can hopefully lead this change to see a “stigma-free” Canada for those suffering from mental health.

For those of you who haven’t gone through the struggles of mental health, it’s hard to comprehend exactly what depression feels like. There’s no resource that could show you the despair and sorrow depression has on a person, but perhaps this blog can give you a glimpse of what it is like:



R.I.P. Robin Williams

With the passing of Robin Williams, who I personally was one of the greatest comedians and actors or his generation, its brings attention to an often stigmatized and hidden issue in our society. Its truly devastating to see someone who brought so much joy and talent to the world struggle so much in private. With his passing I hope some light and discussion can be shed on mental health issues, particularly since so many of us suffer in silence, too afraid to reach out for help. Having suffered through my own struggles with severe depression, I have gone through and understand the daily struggles and pain of living with such a debilitating, unrelenting, and oftentimes unforgiving illness. I know there’s still an uphill battle in tackling issues related to mental health, but I sincerely hope this helps pave the way for an open discussiob on how we can help those that are suffering and have reached out and those who are too afraid or may not know where to turn too.

– M

Day: I've Lost Count

So many of you have probably wondered what has happened to me over the past few months, and where have I been hiding. To be honest, i’ve been so tired from work and going out all the time i’ve had little time to write about how i’ve been feeling. Don’t get me wrong, i’ve felt incredibly guilty for not updating in awhile. There has been a lot on my mind lately that I needed to get off my chest.

“So how’s the depression going miss?”, by now you would think that I would be fine and everything would be dandy. The truth is, it’s still here. Although there have been weeks that have gone by where I have thought I was in the clear, it’s still here. For the past few weeks it’s been rough, i’m just feeling really tired and not in the mood to talk much. I kind of just want to be left alone to hover in my own world in fetal position and just cry for hours on end. I’m tired of living this what feels like a prison sentence. Maybe I should change my thinking pattern to something along the lines of you can’t feel let down or hurt if you have no expectations, right?

Who knows, maybe this recent bout has been brought on by all the let downs that have been occurring lately, with school, life, love life, work, etc. It’s hard to not get into these negative thinking traps, I try so hard to push myself out, but I feel like I always get pushed back to where I started from. Starting with back to school, it was so unfair that I couldn’t get into most of the classes I wanted to get into because the school for got to register me in my program. I’m in fourth year, I shouldn’t be running into problems with signing up for courses I’ve been waiting 3 years to get into. Why am I paying so much for course I don’t even want?

I guess what’s really triggered this recent bout has been getting cut out of someone you genuinely enjoyed talking to and spending time with’s life. I get that things are complicated, if you must know his life has been a bit chaotic lately with the health of his mum in question and having little time for anything else in his life at the moment. But I was willing to be there to support him and wait to see what happens or where things would go, not get cut out cold turkey. I get that he needs time for himself to figure things out and doesn’t have much time for anything else at the moment, but it still hurts. It still hurts because the feelings were there, they were mutual. It hurts because even though he says it has nothing to do with me, or anything I did or didn’t do, it feels like it is. It just feels like someone came along and punched me right in the heart. 

It all makes me kind of nervous to start the school year to be honest. Am I truly ready? This is a do or die year for me. Last year of school…there’s no time for setbacks or failures. I try to be optimistic and curb the negative traps, but it’s hard. It’s like being sucked into a whirlpool and having to pull yourself out. I’m just tired of living a life where i have to fake being happy, because deep down inside i’m suffering.

I’m starting to think I just need time for myself. I need to focus on me and what I want and need. I’m tired of letting other people hold onto my happiness, I guess it’s time I stand up and take care of myself. I just feel like i’m back in an old rut….

I obviously intended for this to be a longer entry, but i’m just too tired to continue to write anything…sigh.



It’s been forever since I have last written. I have just been extremely busy with school and other commitment and of course trying to get better. It’s been an up and down ride. Sometimes I honestly feel great, like I am back to normal, but then there are days that seem dark and hopeless. I think my biggest fear is that I will never be able to conquer this, that I will live the rest of my life feeling this way. Honestly at this rate, I am just looking forward to summer in a few short weeks. I could really use the break and (hopefully) stress free time to relax and enjoy myself. It’s nice to be home for the next few days and have my dogs and family to keep me company before I go back to school to write my last few exams.


So how am I doing now? I won’t lie I still have my good days and bad days. I seemed to have taken a step back recently with a few personal events that have arisen in my life, particularly with relationships and school. Namely the school event has been the greatest struggle. My marks have seemed to drop a bit this year which has been the greatest struggle for me being a high achieving student, it is kind of distressing, particularly when I am supposed to be on track to graduate next year. I was also tangled in to an alleged event that occurred during one of my make up exams back in January. This has taken a huge toll on me, certain higher up people trying to put something I didn’t do on me just so they have someone to blame. As my psychologist said, it’s time I stick up for myself, I way to often put other people in front of me, but I never take a moment to put my self first or stand up for my own values and beliefs. I refuse to accept blame for something I didn’t do, just because other people “feel” you did it. If I have to go down for something I didn’t do because I don’t want to take the blame for it, so be it. At the end of the day, I know I didn’t do what I was accused of and I will walk out stronger from this.

But as exams come closer I am feeling the crunch and the worry. Maybe not to the the extent I felt in December but it’s still there affecting my sleep and eating habits. I also managed to reconnect with the person who hurt me in the recent past. It’s nice to reconnect with them, but at the same time I know those close to me don’t agree. I would like to believe that people do change for the better, but maybe I am naive in thinking that. It’s weird to think that back in December this person wanted nothing to do with me, at a time when I needed them most, message me out of the blue checking in and then grabbing food and drinks. There’s apart of me that wants to believe they changed, but I know back in December they were so afraid I would “ruin” their life with things that THEY said at their own will. Obviously I would never do that, anyone who actually knows me would know that. It took a lot of strength for me and talking with my psychologist to get over that and believe I was making the right choice in keeping those conversations secret, when everyone around me would have rather had me do the opposite. Apart of me thinks this is the reason why they decided to reach out for me and “do a check in” as they said.

On another note, I got my position back on student council for next year. I’m excited at the new possibilities this will allow me to bring into my program. I really want to finish up the career panel and alumni relations I started last year as the Vice President Academic, but also I want to target mental health and bring more awareness and support into student’s lives. If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear them! I was also thinking of making exam de-stressor kits for students to use to get through exams. It would be nice to include packages of information, snacks, coupons and things like stress balls for student’s to use. I want to open that discussion for students in my program, being in Health Science I want to set a precedence for other programs and faculties to follow and have my school be known for supporting their students. It’s such a major issue for many universities across North America, it’s time school’s step up their game and help students. We shouldn’t be leaving people behind, the early you treat these issues, the better the outcome in most cases.

Meanwhile, my blog has gone world wide it seems. Looking at the map that WordPress creates it seems like people from all over have dropped by to check out my space. It would be so awesome if one person from every country could visit or to try and fill as much of this map as possible! If I could help one person out or help them along their journey to being healthy and happy again, I would be so happy. That’s what I want, i’m tired of people feeling like they have to hide apart of themselves because they feel scrutinized or defective because of battling mental health issues. I had a friend open up to me about their struggles and how they didn’t feel comfortable opening up to their parents about it because of culture and how their parents wouldn’t understand. While I do believe culture plays a large role in how we tackle issues such as mental health, nothing will ever change if we don’t try to make it happen. We need to be open to talking and trying to understand. Time’s are changing, why are we leaving people to suffer when there are so many services, applications and methods to treating these people. I find that cruel in itself, you don’t just “get over this”, no it’s a team effort for an individual to get better. No one can get better or be healthy if they feel like they have to hide apart of their self from their friends, family, or community. I know if I didn’t open up about this to those close to be I would still be in that dark place I was only a few short months ago, it’s been a long road to recovery but hopefully the end is near and the battle will be won. As for my friend, I really encouraged her to open up to her family, you need that support network, but in the end it’s her choice. I can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do, but I do advise people who aren’t sure whether to open up to someone, take a chance and be persistent that you need and want help and would love to have their support. If they don’t choose to support you, maybe they aren’t the best people to count on or have fully immersed in your life. But there are others out there who can help, I would offer help or advice to anyone struggling and be more than happy to direct people to resources and services that they might find useful.


For those of you writing exams, good luck! For those of you fortunate to not be writing exams, lucky you 😛

Be strong.
Talk to you seen loves!

Days 36-43

It’s been a bumpy ride coming back to school. I do feel the weather has had an impact on my mood, plus not constantly being surrounded by people has also been a little difficult. However, I am in a much better place compared to where I was in December. I have now moved from the severe depression category to the mild depression category. It does give me hope, but at the same time I wish it would just go away and I would feel normal and happy again. I also saw the doctor yesterday and we upped the dosage of my medication to 20mg for the time being. Hopefully we will see some more improvement on this aspect. I’m sure it’ll be better when I start going to the gym again and getting in some cardio. The benefits of exercise are really good for improving mild and moderate depression symptoms. I do feel a bit tired since being back in the country, and i’ve tried not to nap, but sometimes it’s really hard not to. I find it really hard to study and focus when i’m tired, it kind of sucks. I do feel like I have experienced a lot of negative moments in comparison to goods ones. I feel like my anxiety level has been down a bit, but my depression level has been up. I just feel kind of empty at the moment. I just want to feel emotion and feel genuine happiness again. Everything just kind of feels surreal now.

I was supposed to write a make up final today for business law, but after hearing about the loss of my friend I was just in too much shock. It’s been a hard day, I’ve never really lost anyone close to me, so to hear something like this it’s been hard. It was comforting to have gotten to spend part of the day with my peer guide family as we get through this time. I was fortunate that my professor let me reschedule the make up exam due to this happening. It’s honestly been a little hard to focus today. I have another make up on Friday, hopefully I can get in a little studying today before I sleep, but I just feel so sick to my stomach thinking about everything. This was not the note on how I wanted 2014 to start off on. I was hoping for a fresh start to happiness.But it gives me comfort knowing that he’s always going to be watching out for everyone he knew. I look forward to the day when we meet again and I can see that huge smile welcoming me up to heaven.