“We cannot control everything that happens to us in life, but we can choose how we respond. When we respond with an attitude of ‘Why is this happening to me?’ and adopt a victim mentality, we suffer. When we choose to respond with an attitude of ‘Why is this happening for me and what can I learn?’ then we feel a lot more empowered, which impacts our mental state positively.
The biggest misconception about happiness is that we can outsource it — that something external is going to make us happy. Happiness is NOT a constant state. As humans we experience and grow through a variety of emotions. The expectation that we should be happy all the time will leave anyone with an expectation hangover. What we can be is grateful.”
—Christine Hassler, empowerment coach and author of Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life
Sometimes I just sit there and feel my chest tighten up and feel like I can’t breathe anymore, like i’m completely gasping for air. The feeling like I have to hyper-ventilate. Tears streaming down my face. Like someone is reaching into my chest and ripping out my insides.
Today I let go of someone I was really into. Someone for the first time in awhile showed me that there are good people out there. I couldn’t do it. Regardless of the fact he was handsome, smart, and motivated. As nice as he was, I couldn’t love him like I loved before. I couldn’t will myself to be touched or touch them. I felt empty, like I was filling them with empty promises and hope of something more. Someone who gave me the idea that moving on was possible, but no i’m stuck on him. The man who holds my heart in the palm of his hands and little by little has left me empty.
For moments it would feel wonderful being able to just talk to someone, to remember what it felt like to laugh. That it was possible to look at someone again and feel wonder, but I couldn’t do it. I could see it in his eyes and I just wasn’t there emotionally, mentally, or physically. But I can’t rely on someone else to be or act as my happiness. I need to be able to stand on my own feet and make my own path. I need to work on being me, being able to stand the silence that was left behind when you walked away, being able to work through my own thoughts, and finding what makes me happy. Because to be truly happy means that happiness come from within yourself, to know what it is that make you sparkle, that makes you laugh, and that powers you. I need to put in the time to work on that for me and I can only do that alone in a sense. Because to put your happiness in the hands of someone else misguides your thinking. I also set myself up for being broken down because I forgot what it was like to put myself first or question what makes me happy.
I let them go because it was wrong to give them hope. That someone so broken could offer them everything they wanted or were searching for. That no matter how much reassurance they gave me and that it was okay to hold back, I couldn’t accept that. I couldn’t make someone else wait on me when I felt no passion for them. Weeks went by and as much as they encouraged me to open up, be supportive, and understanding, I couldn’t do it.
I came across this piece of writing on Tumblr yesterday and it made me feel so hard. Wishing that someone else wouldn’t have to go through this, but that it’s life and we are meant to fall on our faces and pick ourselves back up.
And when that day comes, I’ll sit down next to her and tell her about when I was 16
I’ll tell her about the boy with prettiest blue eyes and most intoxicating laugh
I’ll tell her about the way he spent years making me fall in love with him-effortlessly
I’ll tell her how hard I fell
because oh my lord I fell hard
I’ll tell her about losing him
About sitting on my bedroom floor, rocking back and forth with anxiety
About the dark under eye circles and the marks on my wrists
About growing accustomed to my body being in a constant state of self-destruction
I’ll tell her about the shitty poetry and the new hairstyle
I’ll tell her about the envy I felt when I saw my replacement
I’ll tell her about slowly regaining the ability breathe normally
I’ll tell her about being able to laugh without feeling like I’m betraying him
I’ll tell her about being able to order the spiciest thing on the menu without crying
I’ll tell her that it never goes away that it only subsides
I’ll tell her that my heart still stops when someone says his name
I’ll tell her that to that very future second, I still love him
I still think about the prettiest blue eyes and most intoxicating laugh
When you stop comparing yourself to others, you’ll become truly happy.
Before you can truly BE yourself, you have to learn to LOVE yourself fearlessly and effortlessly.
We are all magical. Be inspired. Get Creative. Love wholeheartedly.
Simple things we can all do.
“You get what you give. I think you can’t expect someone to treat you a certain way. Whatever it is, if you’re getting a lot of negative energy or anger, you have to say, ‘Why am I getting this? Am I doing something to create it?’ And if the answer is honestly no, then get out of that situation.” – Ellen Degeneres
One of my favourite songs at the moment.
Some words I have always tried to live by. No matter how rough the waters get or how much things are getting to me, I will always try my best to be kind to those around me. Kindness goes a long way, people will remember the integrity you took to be kind in moments of darkness.
I think this song could relate to most of us. Taking a moment to really listen to the lyrics you can take a lot out of the song. Compared to a lot of the music out there, it’s refreshing to listen to a song with actual meaning behind it. How much support many of us have had to get where we are going or where we are at, we need to turn around and thank those who helped along the way. It’s easy to let success get to us, but it’s also a reminder that even in times where you feel alone there is always someone out there willing to help you get to where you want to go. Don’t forget to thank the “little” people along the way. As I believe kindness goes a long way.
“Don’t expect a free ride from no one
Don’t hold a grudge or a chip and here’s why:
Bitterness keeps you from flyin’
Always stay humble and kind”
“Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind”
Maybe I am too forgiving at times, but I do believe people make mistakes and that they have the potential to be better. I don’t hold grudges because I don’t find it’s a good use of my energy and it prevents you from moving forward in your life. Beat ’em with kindness is what I always tell myself. I think it catches people off guard when you remain positive and calm.
This song just makes me feel grateful to be where I am today. How thankful I am to be alive and be loved by so many. How I am grateful to wake up everyday and be able to see, hear, and feel everything around me. That I am fortunate to be able to pursue my goals. While things haven’t always been easy for me and I still fight to keep my depression at bay, I am so grateful to be challenged. I know one day everything will pay off. Every obstacle, detour, or hurdle that got in my way, will one day be a small blip on my radar and contributed to my growth as a person. I’m not going to let things or people stop me from pursuing my goals or dreams. I’m tired of hearing people around me tell me that i’m “weak” or that I am not capable of doing something, because the funny thing is I know I am capable. The thing about me is when I put my mind to something, there’s no stopping me. I just smile, because when you remain kind it serves as a nice way to turn around to thank people who didn’t support you along the way, for pushing you to get to where you got to.
I think my favourite thing to hear are stories of people who reached the epitome of success and are still humble and kind enough to give back. Recently I read a story of Lebron James giving 30 million dollars to fund the educational endeavours of teenagers pursuing higher education. We need more people like that. While it’s undeniable he was graced with immense talent, it took an army of people to get him to where he went and pursue his dreams. It’s amazing to see someone try to help give back and allow other kids to pursue their dreams, an otherwise unlikely feat. It’ll be amazing to hopefully read their success stories in the future, after all these are the future leaders of tomorrow.
Take a moment of your day to watch the video, enjoy the song, and remember always stay Humble & Kind.
I’m actually really excited for this new website layout. I feel like it looks much more professional, clean, and relaxing compared to my old layout. I also really like the logo in the top corner. I think as my blog continues to expand and gain more views I want to learn how to code, design my own layouts, and possibly move to an actual domain one day. Not now though, got way too much on my plate to learn, but any tips on where to start would be greatly appreciated if anyone has anything to share :).
The picture i chose is from last summer when I was up near Sault Ste Marie and around Lake Superior trying to catch some fish (aka Salmon) in Lake Superior Provincial Park. Every time I see this picture it makes me smile inside and brings me a lot of happy memories. It makes me think back to what I was feeling at the time, how excited, sad, and nervous I was to leave behind those I love to pursue graduate studies overseas and better my future prospects. Then here we are today, as I sit here at the airport ready to leave for Taiwan to see my family and take a break before I start my next adventure with Nursing. Crazy to think that one year ago, I was spontaneously flying to Sault Ste Marie for the weekend to cheer up someone who was feeling sick. It makes me excited, but also sad to think about all the changes that have occurred over the past few months, and what I had envisioned things would be like.
Tis is life though, the ups and downs of what to expect. I’ve started to appreciate the little things in life more. It’s comforting to have a morning coffee every morning before work, or to relax in bed and curl up with a good book. How quickly things can change in the blink of an eye. Even though my depression crept back up throughout the summer, I must say I am starting to feel a lot better about things and learning to take things one step at a time again. One day I hope I can look back and feel like my depression is completely gone and all the anxieties I once had will disappear into the distant past. Maybe I should add that to my bucket list for when I hopefully look back in 6 years time.
I’m excited for what lays ahead. I’m excited for the challenges of balancing work and school, setting the bar high for myself because I know I am more than capable. I’m lucky I have awesome people all around me who look to protect and care for me when I need it most. I can’t wait to see what the next 2 weeks bring me in Taiwan and i’m so lucky I had an unexpected opportunity to get to go. Life is full of amazing things and I must say I am quite lucky and fortunate to have been given the opportunity to take such a big trip. After having not seen my mom’s side of the family for close to eight years, i’m excited to see all the changes and sight see….and of course eat!
Here’s to new adventures!
So today I found my old LiveJournal account and was creeping my old journal entries (set to private obviously), but wow has a lot changed since I first started writing. I think one of the things I found most exciting was the discovery of my bucket list from October 6, 2010. It made me excited to see how much I could technically cross off and what more I still need to do and see (and possibly eat). Here’s the list below and under the list i’ll go point by point whether it was accomplished or not.
1. Go travel the world (alaska, australia, hawaii, fiji, england, sweden, japan, thailand, germany, italy, russia)
2. Live in banff
3. Become a top urban planner
4. Swim with dolphins [check]
5. Make deans list
6. become vegetarian for 1 month
7. meet Sidney Crosby
8. Take professional pictures
9. Go to the Winter Olympics
10. Watch Canada’s men’s hockey team win GOLD 🙂 …in person 😀
11. Win the lottery (can be a small amount like 1000)
12. See the Leafs win the cup
13. Get Proposed to while hiking in Banff (sooooooo pretty)
15. Go to the REAL Oktoberfest in Germany!
16. Go build a school/ village in Africa for a summer
17. Teach english in Korea or Taiwan
18. Learn to play the piano and violin
19. Go to Time Square for New Years Eve
20. Be an extra in a movie
21. Solve a rubiks cube
22. Discover what makes me happy
23. Be the best at something
24. Hold the Stanley Cup
25. Run 10k
26. Learn to snowboard
27. Sail around the world
28. Ride the biggest roller coaster (whooo)
29. Figure out my priorities
30. Learn to not be so passive
- Well I can manage to say I did hit up a few of those countries. I was fortunate enough to live in ENGLAND for the year! Also had a chance to visit one of my favourite countries with someone I truly cared about, Germany. Not normally a huge beer fan, but those Germans sure know what it takes to make good beer. Also had a chance to visit Italy a couple of times. I do feel my list has changed over the years, I really want to explore more of Canada (especially Newfoundland, BC, and the north) as well as visiting Ireland and Scotland to see where my ancestors are from. Oh and Thailand!
- If only I could. I think the older I get the more I want to live in a peaceful area and be surrounded by the outdoors. I would love to wake up everyday by the water or looking out towards the mountains. Hiking and learning to camp are some things I hope I will have a chance to learn and become better at in time.
- Welp. This has by far changed by a full 180 haha. I can’t wait to be the best RN I can be. I’m excited to see the impact that my patients will have not only on me, but the impact I will hopefully have on them. I’m excited for what I will learn and be taught and to hopefully make an impact in the field.
- Done 🙂
- Although I could say I should have worked much harder, I did manage to accomplish this 4/5 years I was in Undergrad and for the most part I did incredibly well in my Master’s. Let’s see what nursing has in store for me!
- Never managed to do this, and not sure I really want to. Meat has some good benefits to it and i’m not sure I want to be on supplements and vitamins for a month. However, I wouldn’t rule it out if someone else were to join me and keep me on track.
- IT WILL HAPPEN! I did manage to become the owner of a Sidney Crosby autographed jersey if this counts since he DID touch it 😀
- Managed to get my professional head shots in 2014 and I still use them to this day 🙂
- Again, this is one of my lifetime goals and I will be saving up to cheer on my country 🙂
- See above.
- Well I did win 20 dollars if that counts?
- Let’s just hope this happens in my lifetime at the rate this is going. Slowly but surely we will get there and now we have Babcock, so let’s hope within the next 5 years.
- Still one of my fantasies. Just being out there makes my soul feel full and to be surrounded by so much openness makes me feel alive. It would be so fulfilling to be proposed here.
- Will happen one day. Was close to doing it at the beginning of the year, but you know EXAMS RUIN FUN.
- MARK MY WORDS, THIS WILL HAPPEN! However, ironically I will be moving to Kitchener in the fall, so I guess I will have to settle for their version until I have the dough saved up.
- I found my passion helping with a community health initiative in Costa Rica. I’m grateful for the people I met and the communities I served working for an organization that actually gives back to each community and ensures they are adequately looked after once volunteers leave.
- Not something I am particularly interested anymore. I do want to tutor English, but want to stay closer to home and focus on my studies and career here.
- I still want to learn the violin, but living with roommates and not having enough time to invest in this project has made it hard to do.
- One day 🙂
- I could definitely use the $$$ that comes along with this and it’d be a cool experience to meet other people 🙂
- Well……no comment.
- Growing older, I think this is a life-long process. I don’t think there is one source of happiness, I really do think the start of it comes from within. If you are not happy with yourself, how can you expect to be happy with anything or anyone else? Slowly I am finding happiness and I look forward to continuing my journey with this.
- I am the best at being myself…or bowling. I’m actually really good at that for some reason.
- I have a mini cup if that counts. But I do hope to hold the real one in time.
- Hopefully within the next year :). Starting slowly with some jogs, but I do want to compete one day, even if its just for myself.
- I did try to learn, but I decided I like skiing better (probably because i’m not super patient).
- Seasickness. That is all. Let’s just say I now hope to FLY around the world.
- I do love roller coasters but no time and parks are ridiculously expensive now 🙁
- Well…..school school school school school.
- I would say i’ve slowly worked on this, but I could still work on not being so passive and actually take a firmer stance on more things.
Looks like I still have some things to catch up on, excited to see what lies ahead in 6 years time 🙂