Recently, I’ve made mistakes and said some silly things. I’ve made some rash decisions and used some choice words. But just because I do that, I always have that bit of hope that things would be different.
That when I said I didn’t want them there, that I was done, or that it was too hard to have them around still, it was a partial lie. I told them that because I was tired of being seen as an inconvenience, an annoyance, and un-important to them in the sense that they felt they couldn’t be there for me when it’s obvious what the answer is. I spent weeks blaming myself for being demanding, for pushing them to do things and understanding, or for even being unreasonable. But the truth was I wasn’t any of those things. Those are the basic things that should have already been there or have been done. Not everything was bad, they did find ways to be there for me through this, but at the end of the day there is and was work to be done and now they are nowhere to be found. I can’t fault someone for not knowing what to do or how to act, we’re all human and we make silly mistakes. But humans also have the ability to fix mistakes too when things don’t work out or go the way they’re supposed to go. But now they’re apparently too busy now to help, when yet i’m the one whose been losing sleep, concentration, and focus. Because apparently i’m none of those things in they’re eyes and I should handle things on my own because of course it’s not their problem, or at least not anymore.
There was apart of me that wanted to know they cared deeply enough to fight to be there. That when they said they wanted “closure”, they wanted to know I was “okay” and cared about my “health”, or that they wanted to make sure I could think about better things, that they would be here when I needed them.
I know I said I could do things on my own, but the truth is I can’t. I had hoped that person would be there (even though I was scared/frustrated/annoyed to have them around). That when they said they cared about me and my well-being, that they would want to be there, that they would fight to know what’s been going on, and they would choose to ask how i’ve been doing. That maybe the few weeks I spent convincing myself they didn’t care, that I was wrong. But instead it’s been radio silence for close to a week. Not a peep of even trying to understand what’s going on. That what they claimed was “so important to them and affected them too” has been left for me to sort through.
I don’t know whether I should be disappointed, whether to pat myself on the back for maybe expecting this, or to be upset. I guess apart of me just hoped things would be different. That they meant what they said from the start when they would be there for me because they understood what I was feeling and going through. People change, people lie, and people leave when you least expect them to. But maybe actions speak louder than words or lack of words. There’s always that bit of me that remains hopeful though, but the more time that goes by, the more that dwindles and I begin to lose faith. I’m not perfect but i’d say my intuition is right most of the time. i just hope this isn’t one of those times where i’m wrong. I’d like to think the person I knew would be there until the final whistle blew, because that’s who I once knew.